Penguin blowjob
I asked a prostitute for sex but she refused because I only had $5. She instead offered me a 'penguin blowjob'. I had no idea what it was but thought for $5, that was a pretty good deal.
She took off my belt and lowered my trousers and underpants to my ankles and began sucking. As things were heating up, she stopped, turned around and started walking away. I ran after her with my trousers and underpants still around my ankles, pleading for her to finish
A little Muslim kid can't find his mother
A little Muslim kid, crying, can't find his mother in a supermarket.
The store attendant asks, "What does your mother look like?"
The kid says.. "I have no fucking idea."
Why is it a bad idea to iron a four leaf clover?
Because you shouldn’t press your luck.
Can a Mongolian make you laugh?
Genghis Kahn.
(No idea if this is an old joke or not. I told it in a dream I had last night so I'm claiming as original).
I had an idea for a movie plot where a retired CIA agent searches for his kidnapped daughter in Paris.
Turns out that idea was taken. I then had another idea for a movie where the same agent is kidnapped with his ex-wife in Istanbul, but it turns out that one was taken too.
Woman has a sore throat and asks for help
So a woman has a sore throat and asks for help from her coworker.
The coworker says "I have the best cure! Every time my throat hurts I just give my husband a blowjob and it heals"
The next day the woman goes to work with her sore throat healed.
Coworker asks "Did it work"
Woman says "Yes! And your husband couldn't believe that this was your idea!".
In my hometown, a barber got arrested for selling drugs.
Blew my mind. I've been his customer for years. I had no idea he was a barber.
If I had a nickel for everytime I had no idea what was happening...
I'd die screaming, "Where are all of these fucking nickels coming from?!"
Topless carwash
So these kids in school are trying to find new ways to raise money. They suggest a few ideas, all of which are shot down by their teacher. Finally a kid says ‘I get it! We should do a topless carwash!’
Very carefully, the teacher asks: ‘what do you mean?’
The kid says, ‘well, we can’t reach the roofs of the cars, so we will just do the sides and the front and back’
Superman is flying around the city, feeling horny as hell.
He suddenly spots Wonder Woman lying naked on top of a building with her legs spread apart.
He thinks, “This is my chance!” and swoops down faster than a speeding bullet, fucks her deep and hard and is gone in the blink of an eye.
Wonder Woman sits up and says, “What the hell was that?”
The Invisible Man rolls off her and says, “I have no idea but my fucking asshole hurts like hell!”
It was my birthday...
Not that long ago I had a birthday. My girlfriend had no idea what to gift me. Then, on a whim, she said, “I know. Let’s watch a porn and we can do everything they do.” I was really excited until she fucked the pizza guy.
I recently decided to apply for Australian citizenship, and I was surprised at some of the questions they asked.
Like, they asked if I had ever been convicted of a crime. I had no idea that was still a requirement.
A boyfriend and girlfriend die at the same time and go to heaven
They go up to see St. Peter on the pearly gates. They ask him “Can we get married in heaven?”
St. Peter says “Hold on, I’ll check.”
The couple wait 72 hours and then finally St. Peter comes back and says “Yes, you can get married in heaven.”
The couple then asks “What about a divorce?”
St. Peter replies “I just spent 3 days finding a minister. Do you have any idea how long it’s gonna take to find a lawyer?”
Gandhi
Did you know that Gandhi used to have hot young women sleep naked in his bed with him? The idea was that he could conquer his baser desires and prove his self-control by abstaining from sex with them.
I tried a similar thing by leaving half a box of Double Stuff Oreos on my counter, and I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’m pretty sure Gandhi banged every single one of those chicks.
My grandfather started walking 5 miles a day when he was 60
Now he's 97 and we have no idea where the hell he is
Why am I against Donald Trump's wall idea?
It will make fleeing to Mexico more difficult when he ruins our country.
Jehova
This morning someone was ringing the doorbell, so I opened the door and there was a young man standing there. "Hello sir" he said, "I'm a Jehova's Witness". I invited him in, offered him something to drink and we sat down in the living room. "So, what would you like to talk about?" I asked. He looked up from his cup of tea and said "To be honest sir, I havn't got the faintest idea, I never made it this far..."
My wife told me she wanted me to treat her like a queen.
So I had her executed with the guillotine for betraying the revolution and promoting undemocratic, outdated ideas.
Long live the republic!
Three drunks get into a taxi and tell the driver where to go. The driver has an idea of the address so he starts the engine, waits a few seconds and turns off the car. He says, "Alright guys we're here!"
The first drunk tips him £10 and gets out.
The second drunk tips him £20 and gets out.
The third drunk then slaps the driver across the face.
Worried that the drunk had realized the car hadn't moved an inch, he asks the drunk, "What was that for?"
The drunk says, "Control your speed next time. You almost killed us!"
The lawyer just told us that all of our late grandfather’s assets are Frozen.
No idea why he bought so many DVDs of the movie.