Two Irishmen are sitting having a pint
when a Turf truck drives by. The first Irishmen says "When I win der lottery dats what I'm gonna do". The second Irishmen says "Whats that, drive a truck"? "No ya daft bastard, send my lawn away to be mowed"!
I won $1M in the lottery
I gave a quarter of it to charity, and put the other $999,999.75 in the bank.
I WON! I WON!
man comes rushing into his house, and yells to his wife: "honey, pack your bags! i won the lottery!!" the wife says: "oh my god! what should i pack for, the mountains or the beach?!?" the man replies: "i don't care, just get the fuck out!"
I remember when my dad once gave me money to pay the electricity bill.
Instead, I bought a lottery ticket for a brand new car. When I got home, I explained to my dad what I did and he beat the crap out of me.
But the next day, when my dad woke up and opened the house door, parked outside my house was a brand new car. We all cried; especially me, because the car was from the electricity company and they were there to cut off the electricity, so my dad beat the crap out of me again.
People are like lottery tickets.
You can point to a random one, say it's a loser, and you'll be right most of the time.
What's better than winning the lottery?
Winning it the day after your divorce comes through.
My ex-girlfriend just told me she wants us to get back together again.
MAN, I sure am LUCKY!
I mean, first I win the lottery and now THIS!!!