Masturbation jokes

I caught my sister masturbating with a cucumber...

I said "Woah what are you doing?! I was gonna eat that later....now its gonna be all disgusting and cucumbery"

After masturbating post nut clarity hit hard

I guess you could say I came to my senses

A man goes to the doctor with a terrible rash on his nuts

The doctor says, "well you'll have to stop masturbating". Man says "why?"

Doctor says, "because it's making it really hard to examine you"

So I caught my girlfriend masturbating with a carrot.

My first reaction was “Shit, I was gonna eat that later, but now it’s gonna taste like carrots!” I fucking hate carrots.

If you masturbate after smoking pot...

Is it high-jacking or weed-whacking?

What was it called when Einstein masturbated?

Stroke of genius.

Doctor: You need to stop masturbating

Me: But why?

Doc: Because I need to fucking examine you

I called Masturbators Anonymous to let them know I wouldn't be at the meeting...

...because I'm just not feeling myself today.

Fancy Dress Party tonight. Going as a masturbating guy with Leprosy

Hope I can pull it off.

When it comes to dealing with stress, studies suggest masturbation is twice as effective as sex

So one in the hand really is worth two in the bush

Did you hear about the woman with amnesia who tried to masturbate?

She almost remembered how, but couldn't quite put her finger on it.

Why does Hellen Keller masturbate with one hand?

So she can moan with the other.

Masturbation should be considered a craft...

as it is 100% hand made.

A boy walks in on his dad masturbating.

The boy, curious asks him, "Dad, what are you doing?"

The father replies, "This is called masturbating, and pretty soon you will be doing it also."

The kid, puzzled, asks, "How do you know that?"

The father goes "Because my arm is getting tired."

I don't get what's so hard about No Nut November

It's the 3rd day and I haven't eaten any nuts yet. I just distract myself by constantly masturbating all day.

Caught my roommate masturbating himself with a thin pancake.

What a crepe.

I have a confession. I masturbate in the shower..

.. it feels good to come clean.

A boy is watching TV with his father when a sex scene comes on.

"Well son, time for bed," the father says. "But dad, I'm 16 now!" the son complains. The father replies, "I don't care how old you are, you're not watching me masturbate."

An altar boy walks in to find his priest masturbating furiously...

Emabarrassed, he begins to back out of the room when the priest says "Sean, this is perfectly natural and nothing to be ashamed of; you'll be doing it yourself soon enough".

Skeptical, Sean says "Really, Father?"

The priest replies "Sure you will, my wrist is getting tired!"