Masturbation jokes

If I was addicted to masturbation and then I got addicted to sex...

Would it be safe to assume my addiction got out of hand?

Boss's daughter!

Employee: Sir, you called me?

Boss: Yeah,go to the rest room and masturbate.

Employee, after few minutes: Done sir.

Boss: Do it again.

Employee: Done again, sir.

Boss: Do it once more.

Employee : Now I don't have stamina for it, sir.

Boss: Very good, here are my keys, drop my daughter at home.

Last night I masturbated over my ex-girlfriend.

I know it's not right, but she's a heavy sleeper and I still have a key.

What is the most sensitive thing on a man when he is masturbating?

His hearing.

Father say to son "If you keep masturbating you'll go blind."

Son replied "Dad, I'm over here."

The Masturbating Mime

Police in Paris have finally caught the elusive mime known for masturbating in public and harassing tourists. In a statement, Police Chief claims "he came quietly"

What is the most sensitive part of your body when masturbating?

Your ears

Embarrassing moment at docs

I was sitting in the doctor's . The doctor walks in and says, "I have some bad news. I'm afraid you're going to have to stop masturbating." "I don't understand, doc,I said . "Why?" "Because," the doctor says. "I'm trying to examine you."

As a kid I was told that, "Every time you masturbate, God kills a kitten."

Also when I was a kid I was told by Bob Barker to, "..help control the pet population."

I was raised to listen to my elders...

I've come to the conclusion that my sex life sucks.

I was masturbating the other day, and my hand fell asleep.

I found an alien masturbating in my freezer last night. I asked him what on earth he was doing in there.

He said, “I cum in peas.”

Did you hear about the paperboy who masturbated on the job?

It was all over the news!

(Can't remember where I heard this, so sorry if its a repost)

If you had $1 for every time you've masturbated

What color would your Bugatti be?

Procrastinating is like masturbating

It's fun at first, but when all is said and done, you've just fucked yourself.

A man walks into the doctors and says he has something wrong with his penis...

... the doctor says “Ok, take off your clothes so I can do an examination”

The man does as he says and the doctor examines his penis

The doctor says “Sir, I’m afraid you need to stop masturbating”

The man says “Why?”

The doctor says “Because I need to do the examination”

A man is being examined by his doctor

The doctor starts looking very concerned. The man asks, "Doctor, what's wrong?" The doctor says, "I'm sorry to tell you this sir, but you can no longer masturbate." The man with a tear in his eye asks, "Doctor, why?" The doctor replies, "Because, I'm trying to examine you."

I went to an extremely attractive female doctor today for my annual checkup.

She told me that I had to quit masturbating. I asked why and she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you."

My wife walked in on me masturbating to an optical illusion.

I said, "Honey, it's not what it looks like!"

I told my son that masturbation is perfectly normal and heathy and nothing to be embarrassed about.

"OK, Dad," he said, "but could you do it somewhere else please?"

I just walked in on my manager vigorously masturbating.

He told me to stop vigorously masturbating and get the hell out of his office.