Meeting

I didn't know what to wear to my premature ejaculation support meeting...

So I just came in my pants.

A nights work...

A guy meets a sex worker in a bar.

She says, "Hey, tonight is your lucky night. I’ve got a very special game for us to play. Tonight I’ll do absolutely anything you want for £300 as long as you can say it in three words."

The guy replies, "Hey, why not?, you're on" So he proceeds to put £300 on the bar from his wallet, and says to the sex worker slowly. "Paint...my....house."

I had to cancel my dsylexics meeting tonight

I never go out on Friday the 13th

two hardcore trump supporters die and ascend to heaven.

God meets them at the pearly gates and asks if they have any questions. One of them says, “yes, what were the real results of the 2020 election and who was behind the fraud?”.

God says, "my son, there was no fraud. Biden won the electoral college fair and square, 306 to 232”.

After a few seconds of stunned silence, the one guy turns to the other and whispers, “This goes higher up than we thought”.

You think you are introverted?

Wait until you never meet me.

How does a burger introduce his wife?

Meet Patty

Bob the builder meets a pretty lass in the bar

He says to her, “I have an 8 inch dick and can fuck all night.” After a few drinks she takes him home and they fuck. The next day she says to him “You said your dick was 8 inches long and you could last all night. Instead, your dick was 5 inches and you only lasted 3 minutes!” He replies, “I’m a builder love, it’s only an estimate.”

*NSFW* John is sent to prison and he meets his 6’8” 320 pound cell mate

Cell mate says, “We are going to be here a long time, so you choose whether you want to be the husband or the wife?”

John is scared but he knows what to pick to make his life a little easier, “I’ll be the husband” he says confidently.

Cell mate, “ Good, now come here and suck your wife’s dick”

Rich friend and a poor friend meet a day before Valentine's Day

Poor man asks - What did you buy for your wife for valentines?

Rich man - A Mercedes C class and a diamond necklace

Poor man - why a necklace ?

Rich man - so if she doesn't like the car she can return it and keep the necklace, what did you get for yours ?

Poor man - a pair of slippers and a dildo

Rich man - why a dildo?

Poor man - so if she doesn't like the slippers, she can go fuck herself.

My wife gave birth this morning I said to the doctor How long will it be before we can have sex?

He winked at me and said "Meet me in the car park in twenty minutes......"

Men need to start going to target to meet women

The women to men ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need

I hate meeting dads.

That's why I only date black girls.

There are three men, Nobody, No-one and Stupid.

They were on a fishing trip in Canada when the first fell in the river, and began to drown, as he had never learned to swim as a child.

The second stayed behind to help rescue him from the river.

The third ran to the nearest police station and explained the situation to the first police officer he saw.

"Officer! Come quickly, Nobody is drowning in the river and No-one is helping him!"

"Are you stupid?" Asked the officer

"I am, yes, nice to meet you."

A lawyer is meeting the devil to make a deal

... and says, "Alright, I want to win my next 10 cases in a row, for settlements of no less than $1 million!"

The Devil replies, "Ok mister lawyer, but in return, I demand the souls of your wife and child for 1000 years!"

The lawyer scratches his head and says, "I don't get it, where's the catch?"

From my dad.

When meeting her parents doesn't require you to leave the house.

The people you meet as a firefighter are really weird sometimes.

I met this woman today who kept demanding I shave her baby.

Woman: "When will I meet my soulmate?"

Chiromancer: "Never."

Woman: "But you haven't looked at my palm."

Chiromancer: "I've looked at your face."

My biggest fear, when I first started dating, was meeting the girl's father.

But I mainly dated black girls, so it was never really an issue.

The phone bill was exceptionally high...

.... so the husband called a family meeting to discuss the issue.

Dad: This is unacceptable. I don't use the home phone, I use my work phone.

Mum: Me too. I hardly use our home phone. I use my company's phone.

Son: I always use my office mobile, I never touch the home phone.

All of them were shocked and together looked at the maid who was patiently listening to them.

Finally the maid said, "Why are you all looking at me? So we all use our work phones. What's the big deal??

A very drunk Paddy meets a prostitute up an alley...

He asks, "how much for full sex?"

"$50" she replies.

"Ok" says Paddy and they get down to business.

Next minute a policeman appears and shines his torch in their faces. "Whats going on here then?" he asks.

"Nothing officer, I'm just having sex with my wife."

"Sorry sir, I didn't know it was your wife."

Paddy shouts, "neither did I till you shone the fucking torch in her face!"

I called Masturbators Anonymous to let them know I wouldn't be at the meeting...

...because I'm just not feeling myself today.

My coworkers laugh at my jokes in in-person meetings, but never in online meetings.

When I asked them why, they said that my jokes weren't remotely funny.

3 guys bet on who can make their wife scream more from sex

They make the bet and decide to all go home and have sex with their wives and compare results the next day.

Next day comes along and they meet to discuss. Guy #1 says “I fucked my wife so hard, she was screaming for like 20 minutes.”

Guy #2 says “that’s nothing. I fucked my wife with a dildo in her ass at the same time and she was screaming for an hour!”

Guy #3 says “amateurs! I fucked my wife for 15 seconds, came on the curtains, and she’s still screaming at me!”

Father: “Son, you were adopted.” SON : “What?! I knew it! I want to meet my biological parents!” Father: “We are your biological parents. Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in 20 minutes.”

A teenage potato brings her boyfriend home to meet the parents. "So, what do you do for work?" asks the inquisitive father potato. “Oh, I work for a TV company as a sportscaster." The father potato is furious and tells the boyfriend to leave immediately.

“Why did you do that daddy?!” shrieks the distraught daughter, eyes wide.

The father shouts, “I’m not having *my* daughter hanging around with a commentator!"