Me jokes

Blonde

Blonde

A blonde walks into a library

and says to the librarian,"I'll have a cheese burger." the librarian replies softly says,"Sweety, this is a library." the blonde whispers,"Oh. Sorry, I'll have a cheese burger."

Capital

Capital

What is the capital of Greece?

About 10 dollars.

Kevin Spacey

Kevin Spacey

Why does Kevin Spacey never get 1st place in races?

Because he likes to come in a little behind.

Boss

Boss

My boss showed up to work in a brand new Bentley

I complimented him on the quality of his ride. He said “well son if you work hard and put in those extra hours, in a few years I’ll get another.”

Harry Potter

Harry Potter

What's Harry Potter's favourite way of getting down a hill?

Walking.

...

JK Rolling.

Chess

Chess

Why can't Michael Jackson play chess?

Because he is dead.

Light bulb

Light bulb

How many Alzheimer's patients does it take to screw in a light bulb?

To get to the other side

Programming

Programming

Programming jokes are fun...

... but only when executed properly.

What did the gingerbread man say when he orgasmed?

IM CRUMBING!!!!

Turkey

Turkey

A turkey was about to cross the road...

when a chicken appeared and said "dont do that that, you will never hear the end of it"

As a kid I was told that, "Every time you masturbate, God kills a kitten."

Also when I was a kid I was told by Bob Barker to, "..help control the pet population."

I was raised to listen to my elders...

Teacher

Teacher

Teacher: ”what is 4+2?”

Johnny: ”3!”

Teacher: ”Yes, you are right.”

Bar

Bar

A law student walks into the bar and orders a beer.

"Um, we dont serve beer".

Slightly miffed, the law student says, "pint of cider then?"

"Yeah, we dont have any cider either".

"Well, you must at least have a glass of fucking wine?" asks the law student, infuriated.

"No sir, we don't. Now please take your seat, the bar exam starts in one minute".

Man

Man

I am a man who loves to give women breakfast in bed. All I want to receive in return is a simple "Thank you!"...

...not "Who are you?", "How did you get in here?", and "I'll call the police!"

Titanic

Titanic

What do you get when you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic?

About halfway.

Clown

Clown

A clown, a politian and a sex offender walks into a bar.

He orders a drink.

Bear

Bear

Bears think if you're lying down motionless, you're dead.

So everyday, the first bear to wake up thinks its entire family is dead. Tragic..

Mother

Mother

A mother in law said to her son's wife when their baby was born:

"I don't mean to be rude but he doesn't look anything like my son." The daughter-in-law lifted her skirt and said: "I don't mean to be rude either, but this is a pussy, not a fucking photo-copier."

Mexican

Mexican

What do you call a Mexican with a rubber toe?

Roberto

Poo

Poo

I threw some of my poo at a famous football player.

Shit got Messi.