Cat

A Burglar broke into our house last night. I didn't shoot him. I just put the red laser dot on his forehead.

Our three cats did the rest.

Smoking marijuana has imbued me with cat-like abilities.

For example, just one brightly colored piece of paper can now entertain me for hours.

My neighbor grew tired of being a taxidermist after 15 years, and went to veterinarian school.

His new business never got off the ground so he decided to operate both his taxidermy and vet business together to save money. His new slogan was: "No Matter What Happens - You Get Your Cat Back."

I just discovered that I can talk to cats

They probably don't understand me but still

What's the difference between a cat and a semicolon?

One is a pause at the end of a clause and the other has claws at the ends of its paws.

Never combine a cat with an apostrophe.

It’ll be a catastrophe.

What do you call it when cats rebel?

Mew-tiny!

Interesting crowd. Nsfw

A zoophiliac a necrophiliac a pyromaniac and a masochist are trying to find something to do.

First the zoophiliac says; -"let's find a cat and we can rape him", to which the necrophiliac responds; -"yes then we can kill it and rape him again", then the pyromaniac says; -"yes then we can burn him"

And finally the masochist says; - "meow".

What's 3/7 chicken, 2/3 cat and 1/2 goat?

Chicago

Heisenberg and Schrodinger are out for a drive when they are stopped by the police.

"Do you know how fast you were going?" demands the cop. "No," replies Heisenberg, "but I knew where I was."

The cop sniffs, then opens the trunk and says "And do you know there is a dead cat in here?". "Well, I do *now*!" Schrodinger scowls.

The French and the British decided to have two cats swim a race across the English Channel...

They named the French cat "un deux trois cat" and the British, "one two three cat."

Which cat made it across first?

The British cat, because everyone knows that un deux trois cat cinq.

Dogs can't operate an MRI machine

But catscan

A Rooster sees a cat fall in a puddle

The rooster falls into a fit of laughter, and can barely catch his breathe. The cat climbs out of the puddle and scolds the rooster saying "that was not funny at all." The rooster composes himself and says "Sorry, but do you know what a wet pussy does to a cock?"

Earth can not be flat

Because if it was cats would have pushed everything from the edge

How does a cat like its steak cooked...

Raaaaaaaare.

I know I know. Dad joke but I'm desperate for some love since it's my birthday.

The teacher asked Little jimmy, “if I give you 4 cats today and 2 more tomorrow, how many cats will you have?” Little Jimmy said, “Seven” The teacher said, “no Jimmy, four plus two equals six. Why did you say seven?

Little Jimmy said, because I already have a cat!”

Drink

A drunk is refused a drink in a bar, so he undertakes to prove to the barman that he is sober. He gestures toward a cat near the doorway and says, "You see that cat coming in the door? It has two eyes. If I were drunk, I'd see four!"

The bartender looks, then pauses a moment. Finally he responds, "You're drunker than I thought!", taking the rest of the alcohol away, "That cat isn't coming in, it's going out!"

There are some sounds that everyone loves:

- Shoes on gravel - Crackling of fire - The snapping necks of those who think they can disrespect you - Cats purring

A teacher asked a first grader, why he brought a cat to school?!

He said:”It’s my moms cat, I saved it’s life!”

“How is that?”asked the teacher

“I overheard daddy tell mommy he’s going to eat her pussy after me and my sister leave for school!”

Cat puns

Freak meowt.

I accidentally took my cat's medication...

Don't ask meow.

What do you call a sex-offending cat?

a Purr-vert

Why was schrodinger's cat in trouble with the law?

I don't know, but he was wanted dead and alive.

A cat scratches at the gate to heaven to get in. St Peter opens the door.

He looks down at the cat and snarls “Egh, what is it now, in or out?!”

A mother asked her son to lose their cat somewhere in the jungle.

The boy obeyed. The boy returned home and reported to his mom.

Son: Mom! I led the cat far into the jungle. I even got lost!!

Mother: How were you able to come back home?

Son: I followed the cat.