Soviet Curfew
A man in Moscow is walking home after his day at work and he walks past a security checkpoint. One of the guards calls to him and tells him to stop, but he takes off running. The guard raises his rifle, takes aim, and shoots him dead in the street. The other guard stares at him.
“What did you do that for?” he asks.
“Curfew violation,” the other guard says.
“Curfew violation? Curfew isn’t for another half hour!”
“I know. That’s my friend. I know where he lives. He never would have made it.”
So this guy had found a magic lamp, which had a genie in it. After a while...
**Genie:** So master, you have one wish left, think wisely.
**Guy:** Hmmm, I wish there was a railroad that connect New York City to Moscow.
**Genie:** That... is quite a big wish you got there. Do you have anything more reasonable?
**Guy:** In that case, I wish I was able to understand women.
**Genie:** Did you want your railroad to be single or double track?
A man goes into the streets of Moscow and yells, “I am tired of this guy with a silly mustache and stupid rules being a leader!”
A soldier heard him, so he goes and catches him, later he brings the man to Stalin. Soldier says to Stalin what happened and Stalin asks the man : “Who were you thinking about when you yelled in the streets?”
Man responds: “Of course i was thinking about Hitler!”;
Stalin lets him go but then he stops the soldier and says: “Who were YOU thinking about?”.
Pro Tip: Make sure it says "Made in the USA" on your bottle of Viagra...
If it says "Made in Moscow", you will run the risk of the Russians meddling in your erections.
What's next to Moscow?
Pa's cow.
I'll show myself out...
Three men were sitting in a prison cell in Moscow in 1937
They discussed why they had been arrested.
"I showed up ten minutes late for work" the first man said "so they arrested me for sabotage"
"I showed up ten minutes early for work" said the second "so they arrested me for espionage"
"I showed up to work on time" said the third "so they arrested me for owning a Western watch"
After traveling to Moscow, the Russian Opposition leader thought he got bitten by a suspicious wasp.
Turns out it was a cagey bee.
As I stood before the airline ticket agent, I said "I want to buy a ticket to London. But I want one bag to go to Tokyo and the other to Moscow."
"Sir, we can't do that," the ticket agent exclaimed.
"Why not?" I asked. "You did it to me last time I flew with you."
Putin dies and goes to hell
After a while, he is given a day off for good behavior.
So he decides to visit Moscow, enters a bar, orders a drink, and asks the bartender:
-Is Crimea ours?
-Yes, it is.
-And the Donbas?
-Also ours.
-And Kyiv?
-We got that too.
Satisfied, Putin finishes his drink, and asks:
-Thanks, how much do I owe you?
-5 euros
