A Scotsman walks into a bedroom with a sheep on a leash and says...
"Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache."
The wife, lying in bed reading a book says, "If you weren't such an idiot, you'd know that's a sheep not a cow."
The man replies, "If you weren't such a presumptuous bitch, you'd realize I was talking to the sheep."
What do you call a skinny Pakistani cow?
A moo-slim.
Mad cow disease
Two cows were talking over the fence bordering their farms.
The first cow said "Have you heard about this mad cow disease, it's spreading really fast."
The second cow responded "What do I care? I'm a helicopter."
What's next to Moscow?
Pa's cow. I'll show myself out...
I told my daughter, "Go to bed. The cows are in the field."
Puzzled, she asked, "What's that got to do with anything?"
I told her, "That means it's pasture bedtime!"
What do you call cows that have a sense of humor?
Laughing stock.
A farmer is lying in bed with his wife....
when he turns to her grabs her tits and says
"Honey if you could get milk out of these we could sell the cow".
Then he grabs her pussy and says "Honey if you could get eggs out of here we could sell the chickens".
She turns to him smiles,grabs his dick and says
"Honey if you could get this up I could get rid of your brother"
As my wife and three of her friends squeezed into the car after WeightWatchers, I muttered under my breath, "Fat fucking cows."
"What was that?" snapped my wife.
"You herd."
A series of cow jokes
Q: What do you call a sleeping cow? A: A bull-dozer Q: How does a farmer count his cows? A: With a cowculator Q: Why do cows wear bells? A: Because their horns don't work Q: Why don't cows have money? A: The farmers milk them dry Q: What's a grumpy cow called? A: Moooody
A cowboy thought he had 100 cows but when he counted them there were only 97
So he rounded them up.
What did the Italian farmer name his fascist cow?
Moo-ssolini
What do you call a sneaky cow?
Invisibull.
I walked past a field of cows at 3 AM and saw that they were all wide awake.
I said, "Surely it's pasture bedtime?"
A kindergarten teacher is teaching her class about animals...
She would hold ip a picture of the animal and the class would cry out in unison.
COW!
SHEEP!
When the teacher got to the deer the class was clueless.
"It has horns" She said
But the class was silent
"Sometimes your mom calls your dad this animal"
Little timmy throws his hands up and shouts, "IS IT A HORNY BASTARD?!"
There are five cows on a farm: one mama cow and four baby calves. The first baby walks up to the mom and asks, "Momma, why is my name Rose?" The mommy cow replies, "Well, honey, a rose petal fell on your head when you were born." The next calf comes up and asks, "Momma, why is my name Lily?" The mother replies, "Because, honey, a lily petal fell on your head when you were born." The third baby comes up and asks, "Momma, why is my name Daisy?" The momma cow again replies, "Well, when you were born a daisy petal fell on your head." The final baby walks over and says, "Huh Ruh Buh Duh!" The momma cow says, "Shut up, Cinderblock!"
Hey you wanna know why they call it PMS?
Because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
I'm sorry you can thank my mom for that joke
A pair of cows...
... were talking in the field. One says, “Have you heard about the mad cow disease that’s going around?”
“Yeah,” the other cow says. “Makes me glad I’m a penguin.”
Why did the scared cow say "Moo?"
Because it's a cow word.
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I thought of this today, did I make a new joke?
Dad, are those gay cows? .....
No, they're Bison
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef! What do you call a cow with 3 legs? Lean beef!!!!! What do you call a cow with 2 legs?
Your mom.
A farmer shoves his hand up his cows rear end...
And rubs the poop on his chapped lips
His son asks “does that help your chapped lips?”
The farmer replied “no, but it stops me from licking them.”
What does the fat cow give you?
Teacher: "Kids,what does the little chicken give you?" Student: "Eggs!" Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the squealy pig give you?" Student: "Bacon!" Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?" Student: "Homework!"
why does a milking stool only have three legs
because cows have the udder
My daughter came home from school yesterday and told us this joke: What do you get from a fat cow?
Homework.
Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?
Because they lactose