A beer bottle, a mirror and a condom go to the pub.
The beer bottle thinks for a moment and says, “You know, if you break me, you get a years bad luck.” The mirror looks incredulous at this comment and says, “That’s nothing, if you break me you get 7 years bad luck.” The condom starts to laugh so hard he falls on the floor.
a man goes to confess after 25 years
So the man walks into the confession booth for the first time in his adult life, having nothing but bad memories about it from when he was a child. So he opens the door, sits down and notices a couple of playboy nude calenders on the wall, a bottle of whiskey in the corner and a nice box of cigars next to it, and he thinks to himself "Wow, this place has really improved over the years"
But then the Father opens the door and yells "Get out! that's my booth!"
That's weird
A man walks into a bar and orders a bottle of whisky and drinks it all. Tipsy, he now orders half a bottle of whisky. Drunk, he orders a glass of whisky. Heavily drunk and in a sorry state, he now orders half a glass of whisky. Then he says,
"That's weird. The less I drink the drunker I get"
My ex-wife passed away so I went to the cemetery to honor her. I brought a 20 year old bottle of fine scotch and poured it over her grave
But first I filtered it through my kidneys.
Doctor's orders for more peace in your life
A doctor on TV said that in order to have inner peace in our lives after this election, we should always finish things we start. Since we all could use more calm in our lives, I looked around my house to find things I'd started and hadn't finished.
I finished a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, tha mainder of Valiuminun scriptins, an a box a choclutz. Yu has no idr how fablus I feel rite now.
An English joke
American, Frenchman, Englishman and Pakistani all on top of Eifel tower.
American throws aload of money over the edge. "What did you do that for?" the others ask. "We have so much money in the states that I can afford to."
The Frenchman throws loads of bottles of wine over the top and says "we have so much wine here that I can throw as much as I like over,"
The pakistani looks at the Englishman and says "DONT YOU FUCKING DARE!"
Pro Tip: Make sure it says "Made in the USA" on your bottle of Viagra...
If it says "Made in Moscow", you will run the risk of the Russians meddling in your erections.
A weasel goes to the bar
One day, a young weasel went to the bar. The bartender took one look at him and says, “You are under-aged. I can’t serve you beer.” The weasel asks, “What can I have?”
The bartender replies, “I have bottled water, juice, energy drinks, and pop.”
“Pop!” goes the weasel.
The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall...
The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?" The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."
"You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"
"Oh yeah? Look at him, he's afraid to cough!"
If a woman drinks 2 glasses of wine a day, it increases the chances of a stroke.
If you let her finish the bottle, she'll probably suck it as well.
I cannot moderate myself at all. It's either I don't take my meds, or I take the entire bottle. Decisions, decisions...
A tourist is in Russia and they see a frail little babushka sitting in front of her house, smoking a cigarette and drinking vodka.
So he stops and asks her: "Excuse me, but are you celebrating something?"
"No, I drink a few bottles of vodka every day. Always have."
"Amazing. And the cigarettes?"
"At least four packs a day, since I was a little girl."
"That's amazing! May I ask, how old are you?"
"Twenty-five".
A state trooper pulls over a priest. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?" "Just water," says the priest. The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?" The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"
A man walking on the beach stumbled on a bottle.
He picked it up and pulled the cork and a genie jumped out.
Genie: Thank you for freeing me. I will grant you one wish.
Man: I've heard this one, whatever I wish for will come back and bite me.
Genie: Nah man I won't do that. In fact if that happens I'll give you unlimited wishes for the rest of your life.
Man: Okay, I want a boomerang with teeth.
How to reclose an opened bottle of champagne?
I don't know, ask Falcons fans.
Did you know? If you rest one of your testicles on the top of an empty beer bottle and hold a flame at the base....
eventually the testicle will be sucked inside!
If you did know this, please can you let me know how to reverse it?
**It’s quite urgent**
Three old women are discussing how their memory isn't what it used to be.
The first woman says, "Sometimes, I'm in the elevator, and I don't remember if I'm going up or down." "The second woman says, "sometimes, I have a bottle of mayonnaise in my hand, and I don't remember if I'm taking it out of the fridge or putting it back." "The third woman says, "Well, I don't have any of those problems, knock wood," knocking on the table. "Oh, hold on a second, someone's at the door."
Wife asked me what am I doing
Me: Killing Mosquitos Wife: How many have you killed?
Me: Total 5. 2 Female and 3 Male Wife: How did you know their gender?
Me: Three were near my beer bottle and two near my wallet
An old drunk was at the bar when...
He saw this beautiful woman drinking alone at the corner of the bar alone. So he waved the bartender over and ask the bartender to send a bottle of the most expensive champagne to the woman.
The bartender, "nah, I wouldn't bother with that. She's a lesbian." But the old drunk insisted.
A short while later, the old drunk sauntered over to the woman, "So...which part of Lesbia are you from?"
My grandmother is 80 and still doesn't need glasses
She drinks out of the bottle...
Erect your ears for this one
A woman asks her husband to start taking those pills that will help him achieve an erection. He agrees. The next day, she asks if he got the pills. "Picked 'em up today. Here you go honey," and tosses her a bottle of diet pills