Once jokes

The England football team went to visit an orphanage in Russia this morning.

"It's good to put a smile on the faces of people with no hope, constantly struggling and facing the impossible" said Anatoly, aged 6.

Beer must contain Estrogen...

When I drink enough, I can't drive or shut the hell up.

what do you call a fake fish?

A De-koi

Having sex with me is like microwaving food at 3am..

The longest minute and a half of your life!

What do you call a gay couch.

A homosectional.

My only form of income is donating blood

It's sucking the life out of me

Why was Melania so excited when Donald Trump became president

Because she can call herself the first lady instead of the third wife

NSFW: My wife said she wanted to have sex like they do in the movies...

So I pushed her against the wall, grabbed her hair from behind and drilled her up the shitter. Turns out we watch different movies.

What do you call a blond that dyes her hair?

Artificial Intelligence

Why do women fake orgasms?

Because they think we care.

Doctor: You need to stop masturbating

Me: But why?

Doc: Because I need to fucking examine you

A magician is having sex with a woman and he cums inside her.

The woman gets angry over this and yells at him "why the fuck would you cum inside me!!?"

Magician says "psyche! Check your ear!"

My son just asked me where poo comes from, I gave him a detailed explanation, where he then stood in stunned silence.

Then he asked, “What about Tigger?”

So my friend is dating twins...

...And I said, "Isn't it hard to tell them appart?" He replied with, "Well not really, the brother has a moustache."

What do you call an iPhone 6S that ran out memory space.

Successful

"I'll do whatever I can for my constituents"

A politician visited a remote little rural village and asked the inhabitants what the government could do for them.

"We have two big needs," said the village headman. "First, we have a hospital but no doctor."

The politician whipped out his cellphone, spoke for a while, and then said, "I have it sorted out. A doctor will arrive here tomorrow. What is your other need?"

"We have no cellphone reception at all in our village."

I asked my girlfriend if she'd like a day of eating ice cream and hanging with her girl friends.

She said "Yes!". I said "Good, because I'm breaking up with you."

Fuck you, Chelsey.

How do you grab the attention of a pervert?

An NSFW tag

Man with premature ejaculation seeks understanding woman.

Nevermind, I'm done.

A 60 year old millionaire is getting married and throws a big wedding reception.

His friends are quite jealous and in a quiet moment one of them asks him how did he land such a hot 23 year old beauty?

“Simple,” grins the millionaire, “I faked my age."

His friends are really amazed and ask him how much he said.

"Well", he replied. "I said I was 87!"