Fish

A man and his wife are watching tv. He keeps switching between fishing and porn.

After a while, the man’s wife says, “Keep it on porn, you already know how to fish.”

A man goes ice fishing...

He takes out his ice pick and begins to hack away. Suddenly, he hears a booming voice from above say, "There are no fish there."

He moves to a new spot and begins again. Again comes the voice, ”There are no fish there either."

He tries a third spot, and again the voice informs him, "Not there either."

Frightened, the man calls out, "Is that you, God?"

"No," the voice booms, "I'm the rink manager."

Why do Americans take a gun while they go fishing ?

Cause groups of fish are called schools

What did the Dried Fish say to the other Dried Fish?

Long time no Sea.

Two fellas are fishing in a boat under a bridge.

One looks up and sees a funeral procession starting across the bridge. He stands up, takes off his cap, and bows his head. The procession crosses the bridge and the man puts on his cap, picks up his rod and reel, and continues fishing. The other guy says, "That was touching. I didn't know you had it in you." The first guy responds, "Well, I guess it was the thing to do - after all, I was married to her for 40 years."

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day.

Give a man another fish and he will be, like, "fish, again?"

Fishing secret

A guy is out ice fishing and he hasn't had a bite in hours, but the fellow next to him is pulling in fish after fish. Exasperated, the man finally approached the successful fisherman to find his secret. "What's your secret buddy, I mean you've been pulling in fish left and right all day long." "Ooo gahh takee darmns orm" the guy says. "What??" "Ooo gahh takee darmns orm" "I’m sorry, I just can't understand you." "Oh...," he says and spits something in his hand. "You've got to keep the worms warm."

Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.

Teach a man to fish, he eats for a lifetime.

Teach 100 men to fish, you're the single biggest threat to our ecosystem.

A father and son go fishing...

Son: Dad, what do we do first?

Father: We get this clickbait here and we throw it into the ocean.

Son: Then what happens?

Father: What happens next will shock you.

Two guys were out fishing on the lake when a hearse and funeral procession passed the boat on a nearby road. One of them stood up and held his fishing hat over his heart as the hearse passed. His buddy commented, "Gee, Harry, that was really nice and respectful!"

To which Harry replied, "Well, after all we were married 40 years."

I made some fish tacos last night...

They just swam away and ignored them.

There are three men, Nobody, No-one and Stupid.

They were on a fishing trip in Canada when the first fell in the river, and began to drown, as he had never learned to swim as a child.

The second stayed behind to help rescue him from the river.

The third ran to the nearest police station and explained the situation to the first police officer he saw.

"Officer! Come quickly, Nobody is drowning in the river and No-one is helping him!"

"Are you stupid?" Asked the officer

"I am, yes, nice to meet you."

Fishing and girlfriends are exactly alike. There may be plenty of fish in the sea, but until I find one, I'm stuck here holding my rod.

what do you call a fake fish?

A De-koi

Teach a Nigerian to fish...

He'll eat for a day. Teach a Nigerian to phish and he'll become a prince and start emailing people.

“Poor Old fool,”...

...thought the well-dressed gentleman as he watched an old man fish in a puddle outside a pub. So he invited the old man inside for a drink. As they sipped their whiskeys, the gentleman thought he’d humor the old man and asked, “So how many have you caught today?”

The old man replied, “You’re the eighth.”

A fish runs into a wall...

"Dam!"

A man and his wife went fishing one day. As they were fishing, they spotted the Coast Guard coming towards them.

The wife said, "Honey, we caught four fish, and we are only allowed three, so lets throw one back into the sea."

The husband said, "Are you mad, woman, that's our food for tonight. Take one fish and hide it in your panties."

The wife said, "And what about the smell???"

The husband replied, "Just block the fish's nose...."

How many animals can you fit into a pair of pantyhose?

2 calves, an ass, a beaver, a camel toe, a bunch of hares and a fish no one can find.

Two fish are in a tank, one looks at the other and says,

How do you drive this thing?

My teacher didn't believe me when I said I had 36 pets so I showed her a picture of my fish tank.

She freaked out when she saw how many dogs I could fit in there.

An Elderly Couple are at home...

An elderly couple were at home watching TV. Phil had the remote and was switching back and forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel. Sally became more and more annoyed and finally said, "For God's sake, Phil... leave it on the porn channel... you know how to fish!"

Why are Fish easy to weigh?

Because they have their own scales.

There was a fight in a fish and chip shop!

Two fish got battered ;).