A man goes into a job interview, and presents himself well.
The employer is shocked at how professional he is, "Wow, you have an incredible resume, and present yourself fantastically, but you seem to be missing 5 years on this part of your resume. What happened there?"
The man replied "Oh that's when I went to Yale."
The employer is even more impressed. "That's great, you're hired!"
The man is super happy and says "Yay, I got a yob!"
A six lane motorway and an autobahn are having a drink in a bar.
The door opens and a skinny useless looking single strip of asphalt walks in and sits near them. The motorway nudges and gestures the autobahn to move quietly to another part of the bar. When they are seated again the autobahn asks what the problem is. The motorway replies "You don't want to be near him when he's had a few drinks. He's a fucking cyclepath"
What's it called when a crab is walking to it's part time job?
A side hustle.
I decided to become vegan today
The hardest part is quitting cold turkey.
An old drunk was at the bar when...
He saw this beautiful woman drinking alone at the corner of the bar alone. So he waved the bartender over and ask the bartender to send a bottle of the most expensive champagne to the woman.
The bartender, "nah, I wouldn't bother with that. She's a lesbian." But the old drunk insisted.
A short while later, the old drunk sauntered over to the woman, "So...which part of Lesbia are you from?"
My grandad always used to say to me that the best part of fighting is the make-up sex.
Which would probably explain his short lived career as a boxer.
If some part of your job feels utterly pointless, remember
Putin campaigned for the 2018 elections.
Even though I've gone bald, I still keep my comb.
I just can't part with it.
Who would have thought that one day we'd be smoking weed at a family gathering....
.....but the illegal part would be the gathering.
I'm halfway towards my goal of becoming filthy rich.
Now I just have to have to figure out the rich part.
A charity worker stopped me in the street and asked me if I fancied taking part in a marathon
I was going to decline but he told me it was for disabled kids and children with severe learning difficulties.
I thought, fuck me, I might win this