Weed

What's the difference between weed and pussy?

If you can smell weed across the room, that means its good.

Every since I bought a Tesla and they made weed legal, life hasn’t been the same

Now I have to tell hitchhikers that ass is the only acceptable form of payment.

"Your eyes look red." said the cop. "Have you been smoking weed?"

"Your eyes look glazed." I replied. "Have you been eating donuts?"

Me: so Doc, are you saying I need to buy better weed?

Doc: No John, I said your joints are deteriorating.

How is the Quran like weed?

Burning that shit will get you stoned.

If you masturbate after smoking pot...

Is it high-jacking or weed-whacking?

I’m opening a dispensary that sells weed and doughnuts.

It called glazed and confused.

Never fight someone who recently smoked weed.

They tend to have the high ground.

Who would have thought that one day we'd be smoking weed at a family gathering....

.....but the illegal part would be the gathering.

The female janitor at my building asked if I would chill and smoke some weed with her

I said no. I can't deal with high maintenance women

Why shouldn't you smoke weed during a thunder storm?

Because lightning strikes the highest object.