Place

Where are average things made?

At the satisfactory!

How many gynecologists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

I'm asking because mine had to call like six other guys in to help him, and I'm really starting to wonder why I needed one installed down there in the first place.

A teenage girl come home from school and asks her mother a question

"Is it true what Rita just told me?" "What's that?" asks her mother. "That babies come out of the same place where boys put their penises?" said her daughter. "Yes it is dear!" replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and that she wouldn't have to explain it to her daughter. "But then, when I have a baby," responded the teenager, "won't it knock my teeth out?"

"Dad, was I adopted as a child?"

The father sighs, places his hand on the boy's shoulder and replies wistfully:

"We tried, but nobody would take you"

a man goes to confess after 25 years

So the man walks into the confession booth for the first time in his adult life, having nothing but bad memories about it from when he was a child. So he opens the door, sits down and notices a couple of playboy nude calenders on the wall, a bottle of whiskey in the corner and a nice box of cigars next to it, and he thinks to himself "Wow, this place has really improved over the years"

But then the Father opens the door and yells "Get out! that's my booth!"

I was once cornered by Dwayne Johnson in front of a Hallmark store.

I was caught between a Rock and a card place.

What’s the worst thing to say in a job interview?

This place is 5k from a school, right?

George W. Bush couldn't decide what country to invade next...

He says, "It seems we're stuck between Iraq and a hard place.."

What did microsoft say to the attractive girl in the room?

Can I crash at your place tonight?

Why does Kevin Spacey never get 1st place in races?

Because he likes to come in a little behind.

How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. They will never allow change, even if it makes the world a brighter place.

I hate spring cleaning.

Damn things bounce all over the place.

A German is trying to to make his way to Paris

At the border, the French customs agent asks him

“Name?”

“Hans Mueller.”

“Place of residence?”

“Munich.”

“Occupation?”

“No, just vacation this time.”

The reason the Air Force, Army, Navy and Marines bicker among themselves, is that, they don't speak the same language.

For instance, take the simple phrase - Secure the building.

The Army would post guards around the place.

The Navy would turn out the lights and lock the doors.

The Marines would kill everyone inside and set up headquarters.

The Air Force would take out a five year lease with an option to buy.

Khakis

In most places, losing your khakis means you have no pants. In Boston, if you lose your khakis, you can't drive.

I can't find out where Stephen Hawking is from; I just can't place his accent.

I don’t usually brag about going to expensive places

But I just left the gas station.

A girl walks up to her mother and asks, "Mommy, why am I named Clover?"

"Your grandma believes that it brings luck to our family."

Then, her other daughter walks up. "Mommy, why am I named Nirvana?"

"Because, your aunt believes that is the place you go when you are enlightened."

Finally, her son walks up to her. "Those names make sense, but why am I named *Cakeday?"*

His mother sighs. "Your father believes it is the best way to earn karma."

Where do squirrels go in a hurricane?

All over the place!

I entered my Chihuahua in an 'ugliest dog' contest and I won first place!

My dog came in third.

A worker in Russia has been standing in a liquor line for hours....

He grows tired of waiting around for so long, so he suddenly says to his friends around him “That’s it, I cannot take this anymore, please hold my place in line, I am going to shoot Putin.” They agree to hold his place and he walks off hastily.

Two hours later the worker returns. One of his friends asks him “Well, did you do it?” The worker says, “No, the line there was much longer than the line here.”

"Allegedly Trump gave Russians intelligence "

I wonder how much he had in the first place and how much he is left with.

Thinking of changing my name to “Authorized Personnel”

Imagine the places I could go with a name like that.

A Mormon and an Irishman are on a plane.

A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London to the US.

After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."

The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice."

I want to find a girlfriend who's into Star Wars

I've been looking for love in Alderaan places.