A man is new in town and asks the next passerby for directions: "Excuse me, could you please tell me where the church is?" "Yeah, it's on 3rd street." "What, right next to the brothel?" "What? No! The brothel is on 17th street." "Oh, I see. Thank you very much!"
I saw my wife, slightly drunk, yelling at the TV: “Don’t go in there! Don’t go in the church, you moron."
She was watching our wedding video again.
A man in Ireland finds a boy crying on the sidewalk
He walks up to the boy and says "Poor laddy, what's the matter? Why are ya crying?"
Little boy says "It's me mum you see, she just passed and now I've got no one at home for me. I'm all alone."
The man comforts the boy who's mum had just died and offers to go fetch Father Monaghan from the church.
The little boy responds "No need to fetch him, sex won't help this any."
I farted in my church’s confession booth
I said to the priest, “Forgive me father, for I have wind.”
4 catholic priests are sharing a private compartment on a train
They decided to confess their biggest flaw to each other.
The first priest confesses that he spends most of the church money on booze.
The second priest explains that he blows the church collection betting on horses.
The third priest confesses that he spends the church takings on drugs.
They have opened their souls and revealed their deepest secrets. They look to the last priest and he says "I am a gossip and I can't wait to get off this train".
This pastor decided to skip church one sunday morning and go play golf.
He told his assistant that he wasn't feeling well. He drove to a golf course in another city, so nobody would know him.
He teed off on the first hole. A huge gust of wind caught his ball, carried is an extra hundred yards and dropped it right in the hole, for a 450 yard hole in one.
An angel looked at God and said "What'd you do that for?" God smiled and said "Who's he going to tell?"
The head of KFC called the Pope
He said, "I'll give you a million dollars to change the Lord's prayer to give us our daily chicken."
The Pope said no and hung up.
KFC called back and offered 10 million.
The Pope said no and hung up.
KFC called back and offered 100 million.
The Pope said, "You have a deal!"
The Pope got all the churches big wigs together and said, "I have good news and bad news. Good news is, we are 100 million richer. Bad news is, we lost the Wonder Bread account.
Confucius say:
Man who fart in church, sit in his own pew.
Why don't bees go to church?
... because they are in sects
Why do churches ban Wi-Fi?
Because they can't compete with an invisible power that actually exists
What do you call a book club that's been stuck on one book for years?
Church
Move to the left!
"A pastor announced, "If you know your wife is controlling you, move to the left".
All the men in the church moved to the left except one man.
The pastor was happy there was at least one strong man, and asked," How come your wife can't control you?"
The man quietly replied, "It's my wife who told me not to move".
The Elderly Guy in Church
An elderly man walks into church, goes into the confessional and says to the priest, "Father, I'm 80 years old, married, have four kids and 11 grandchildren, and last night I had an affair and I made love to two 18 year old girls. Both of them. Twice."
The priest said: *"Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?"*
"Never Father, I'm Jewish."
*"So then, why are you telling me?"*
"I'm telling everybody."
Why do orphans go to church? Because they can finally call someone father.
A drunk staggers into a church one evening, goes into the confessional box and sits down. He doesn't say a word.
The priest coughs to try and get his attention. There's no response so the priest coughs again. There's still no response from the drunk.
The priest coughs a couple of more times and still doesn't get any response, so finally he pounds on the wall.
The drunk slurs, "There's no use knocking. There's no paper this side either."
What's the difference between a restored church and a bumhole dipped in holy water?
One's a rectified sanctum...
Doctor just told a nun that she is pregnant.
Nun: "Doctor, you can't be serious - I haven't had sex with a man even once in my entire life! I am saving myself for God!"
Doc: "Sorry, but the tests show undoubtedly that you are pregnant..."
Nun leaves the doctor in anger and bursts back into church shouting: "Ok, who in the name of the God HAD CUM ONTO THE CANDLES!!!"
Two little boys were known troublemakers, stealing everything they could get their hands, even from the church.
One day a priest stopped one of the boys and asked, "Where is God?" The boy shrugged and the priest repeated, "Where is God?" The boy ran out of the cathedral crying to his home where he hid in a closet. Eventually his brother found him and asked, "What's wrong?" The crying boy replied, "We're in trouble now! God is missing and they think we took him.
A naked man broke into a church. The police chased him around and finally
caught him by the organ.
What's the difference between a woman in church and a woman in the bath?
One has hope in her soul...