Road jokes

What happened when the car took LSD?

It went on a road trip and had an auto body experience!

I was surprised to learn my kid failed the road driving test...

...she Tweeted three times that it seem to be going well.

A Scotsman and a Newfie were walking down the road when they saw a sheep with its head stuck in the fence.

"A'right! The perfect opportunity!" cried the Scotsman, who lifted his kilt and leapt on the backside of the sheep, shagging it furiously until he was satisfied.

Smiling, the Scotsman smoothed out his kilt and turned to the Newfie. "Go on," he said, "It's your turn."

"Okay!" said the Newfie, and stuck his head in the fence.

*NSFW-ish* Two nuns

Two nun's are crossing the road when a vampire jumps out. Nun 1 turns to Nun 2 and says "Quick, show him your cross" Nun 2 turns to the Vampire and says "Oi, Fuck off!"

A piece of tarmac was arguing with a stone in a bar...

"I'm the hardest!." says the tarmac, "All the roads in the country are made from me bitch!." "I'm the hardest" says the stone, "Every mountain in the world is made from me!" 2 minutes later, a piece of a bicycle lane strolls in, orders a whiskey and silently sits down in the corner. A hush falls over the bar. Sensing some hostility, the barman tries to keep the peace. "Hey guys, whose the hardest?" "We're hard, but that guy's a cycle path."

Honest Guy

A truckie who has been out on the road for three weeks steps into a brothel outside Kalgoorlie. He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says, I want your ugliest woman and a burnt chop.!! The Madam is astonished. 'But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest ladies and a lovely three-course meal. The truckie replies, 'I'm not horny . . . . ... I'm homesick.

Why did the PowerPoint presentation cross the road?

To get to the other slide

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

Chicken walks into a bar

Bartender says: "Wrong joke, yours is across the road?"

Why'd the chicken cross the road?

To show a deer how it's done.

So a cop knocked on my door this morning.

He asked, 'sir we believe your dog has been chasing a boy up the road on his bike.'

I replied, 'sorry officer, you must have the wrong house. My dog doesn't own a bike.'