Car jokes

"Today was great." "What happened?" "I ran into my ex." "What's great about that?" "I was in my car."

Two blondes are trying to unlock their car with a coat hanger.

One says, "Hurry up! It's starting to rain and the top's down!"

I wish my girlfriend wasn't so obsessed about her breast size. Even a trip to the car dealership became embarrassing.

She told the guy she wanted something that'll get her from A to B.

Given that a radiator is essentially a vital organ to a car, it’s strange that the town in the movie “Cars” is called “Radiator Springs”.

It would be like if we called a city “Liver Pool”.

A man just got a car for his wife.

Now, thats what you call a fair trade.

A old man was driving down the freeway when his wife called his cell phone.

"Herbert, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Route 280. Please be careful!"

"It's not just one car," said Herbert, "It's hundreds of them!"

When one door closes another one opens

“That’s all well and good”, I told the car dealer, “but I’m not buying the car until you fix it!”

A man drives up to a stop sign and rolls through it.

Shortly after a cop pulls him over. The cop asks, “Do you know why I pulled you over?” The man says, “No”. The cop says, “ You ran a stop sign back there”. The man says, “OK, but I slowed down though”. The cop then asks, “Could you please step out of the vehicle, Sir?” The man gets out of his car. The cop pulls out his night stick and begins beating him. The man yells, “STOP, STOP!” The cops say, “Oh, you want me to slow down?”

I got tired jogging in front of the car

So I ran behind it, but soon became exhausted.

My girlfriend was mad because I didn't open the car door for her.

I just swam to the surface.

Are you Blonde?

A blond cop pulls over a blond and asks for her drivers license. The blond starts looking through her car then asks, "Uhh, what are they again?"

The blond cop replies, "Ugh. It's the thing in your purse with your picture on it." "Oh yeah," says the blond who reaches in her purse, pulls out a compact mirror, and hands it over. The blond cop opens it, takes a look inside, hands it back, and says, "I'm sorry ma'am. If I knew you were a cop, I wouldn't have pulled you over."

Lorena Bobbitt died in a car accident today...

Apparently some dick cut her off.

I told my friend that "Last night there was a rear-end collision in my parking lot. After that, the drunk guy that hit the car gave me $800 and drove away". My friend asked me "Is that enough to fix it?"

I said "I don't care, it wasn't my car."

Where were thr first gas cars invented?

In Africa, they Madagascar.

Cop: So I’m writing you a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.

Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.

A man lost his penis in a car accident...

He's obviously devastated. Although a lawsuit after the accident wins him £9000. During a check up with the doctor he is offered an experimental procedure. They can read build his penis at the price of £1000 per inch. Extatic, he tells the doctor he will discuss it with his wife and return tomorrow with an answer. The next day comes round and the doctor asks what the decision is. The man replies dejected "we are getting a new kitchen".

Mark Zuckerberg's car hit a guy's car

Guy (angry) : Do you know who I am?

Mark : Yes, you are Scott Thomas, you have 237 friends out of which 37 are females and your wife doesn't know 12 of them. Last holiday you went to Thailand and there you . . .

Guy : Leave it bro, it was my fault.

Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son.

He said: 'dad, can't you just use a sponge?'

When I got my license I didn't have money for a car, so I robbed a bank. Anyway, as I was being dragged off to jail my mother wanted to know why I did it. So I told her the truth:

"I did it for the car, ma!"

No one is allowed to congregate for funerals; instead, people drive by the cemetery and honk their horns in respect. One man drives by blasting “Another One Bites The Dust”

The family wanted to be mad, but then another car drove by playing the same song, and another one does, and another one does, and another one drives a bus.