Kid

New Teacher: I was an orphan as a kid.

Students: OOF

Teacher: Is anyone missing?

Students: Your parents.

What if I tell you there is a way to stop all the kids in the school making fun of you because you are still a virgin?

Just start giving them bad grades.

What sexual position creates the ugliest kids?

Ask your parents

Kid's know far too much these days...

This morning, while in the doctors waiting room, I saw a little girl playing with her Barbie and Ken dolls imitating the doggy position. I bent down and told her, "you'll end up with little baby dolls if you keep doing that." She replied, "I don't think so, he's doing her up the ass"

I reckon I could have won something at the youth olympics

If it wasn't for all those medalling kids

Sure, white people can't say the n-word, but....

At least we can say, "hey dad", "thanks for the warning officer", and "that's my kid".

Unvaccinated kids have been found to have lower IQ's than vaccinated children.

Can't blame them, their parents are dumb as fuck.

To what would you change the name of a kid named Hunter if he becomes a vegetarian?

....Gatherer

I offer my kids $500 for every A on their report card.It sends the message that education is a priority in our household.

And it costs me absolutely nothing since my kids aren't that bright.

A little Muslim kid can't find his mother

A little Muslim kid, crying, can't find his mother in a supermarket.

The store attendant asks, "What does your mother look like?"

The kid says.. "I have no fucking idea."

What did the child with no arms get for Christmas?

Gloves.

Just kidding, he hasn't opened it yet.

Why did Elon Musk name his company Spacex?

Because Spacey was touching kids

What do you call a ginger kid who’s good at karate?

The Carroty Kid.

A man boarded a plane with six kids.

After they settled into their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over and asked, “Are all of those kids yours?” He replied, “No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints.”

I saw a good looking guy at McDonalds spank his kid for throwing his fries on the ground.

So I threw my fries on the ground too

I wanted to volunteer and do something good this holiday season...

So I helped these dyslexic kids write letters to Satan.

Every year, hundreds of kids are shipped off to mime school...

...never to be heard from again.

Vaccinated kids are more likely to have autism

Because they're still alive.

I had the best Dad moment last night... *actual conversation with my 8 year old*

Son: Dad... how many kidneys do I have?

Me: Two. You have two, son.

Son: Nope... I have four. *point to belly* Two kidneys here... *points to legs* ...and two kid knees here!

The student has become the teacher.

"I'm sorry sir, it looks like your wife has been hit by a bus"

"Yea, I know, but she takes it up the ass and is good with kids"

I brought my girlfriend home and introduced her to the family.

My kids liked her, but my wife seemed pretty upset.

What is a good slogan for an abortion clinic?

Don’t kid yourself

Twenty years from now, kids are gonna think "Baby it's cold outside" is really weird, and we're gonna have to explain that it has to be understood as a product of its time.

You see, it used to get cold outside.

Teacher: how do you spell ‘crocodile’

Kid: K-R-O-K-I-D-I-A-L.

Teacher: no, that’s wrong.

Kid: no, I’m right. Other people might spell it differently but you asked how I spell it.

Yay got a PS5 for my kid.

She cried a bit when I left but I'm sure her new parents will love her.