Room jokes

I farted in a room of hipsters

I watched them fight each other over who heard it first.

I hate it when people think they can just waltz into my room..

When what I’m listening to is clearly in 4/4

What did JFK say before going to visit Marilyn Monroe?

I choose to go to Marilyn's hotel room this night and do the naughty things, not because she is easy, but because I am hard.

You’re in a room with a hundred dicks. How many do you choke on?

“None.”

“Wow, you’re that good?”

Little Johnny catches his mom and dad...

Mom and dad are having sex when little Johnny walks in. Quickly, dad tells him to leave. When mom and dad come out of the room, they explain to Johnny that sometimes daddy's get a big tummy and mommy's have to jump on it so it will deflate. Then Johnny replies, "But why does mommy have to deflate it when Ms. Jane next door just comes over every day to blow it back up?"

Little Teddy’s doing very poorly in math, so his parents enroll him in Catholic school.

The first day home from St. Michael’s, he walks straight to his room to do his math homework. After dinner Teddy marches back upstairs and starts calculating again.

His mother visits his room and says, “You’re working awfully hard!”

“Well,” Teddy replies, “today when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren’t fucking around.”

During a dinner party, the hosts’ two little children enter the dining room totally nude and walk slowly around the table.

The parents are so embarrassed that they pretend nothing is happening and keep the conversation going. The guests cooperate and also continue as if nothing extraordinary is happening. After going all the way around the room the children leave, and there is a moment of silence at the table, during which one of the children is heard saying, “You see, it is vanishing cream!”

A robber breaks into a house where two people are just finishing having sex.

The robber ties the man and woman up. He starts looking around the room for valubles. When he doesn't find any, the robber asks the man

"Where's the good stuff!"

The man replies, "I'll tell you, just untie her and let her go."

Robber: "you love your wife that much huh?"

The man: "No, that's my neighbors wife, mine's on her way home!"

A Frenchman staying at a hotel in England calls room service and asks for some pepper...

"What kind of pepper would you like, sir? Black pepper, white pepper, red pepper?" asked the manager.

He replied, "Toilette pepper!"

Businessman walks into a motel/brothel. Ask the lady working the front desk...I'd like a room and for an extra $500, I want your oldest, fattest, meanest, boring in bed woman and a bologna sandwich. The receptionist looks at him confused and says for that price we could get you our youngest, kindest, skinniest, kinkiest girl and a steak dinner with all the trimmings. The man replys ma'am you don't understand me...I'm homesick.

If there is a Serial killer inside your house, What is the safest place to hide?

In the living room.

When I told my mother I wanted to put the Christmas tree up myself...

she suggested that I should put it up in the living room instead.

An altar boy walks in to find his priest masturbating furiously...

Emabarrassed, he begins to back out of the room when the priest says "Sean, this is perfectly natural and nothing to be ashamed of; you'll be doing it yourself soon enough".

Skeptical, Sean says "Really, Father?"

The priest replies "Sure you will, my wrist is getting tired!"

How much room is needed for fungi to grow?

As mushroom as possible

Trump and Putin are sitting in Putin's office discussing how powerful they are.

Putin says "Watch this." He picks up the phone and says something in Russian.

A beautiful woman walks in the room, kneels in front of Putin and begins giving him a blow job.

Minutes pass, and Putin finishes. He gives the woman a tap on the head, and she stands up and walks out of the room.

Looking back at Trump, Putin asks "Do you want to try?"

Trump replies "Yeah, but please dont tap me on the head when you're done."

I bought my friend an elephant for his room

He said "Thanks"

I said "Don't mention it"