Roommate

My roommate keeps stealing my food so I ground up Pepper and made cupcakes with it.

Pepper was a dumb thing to name his dog anyway.

I was so excited about how well my psychiatry appointment went

But when I got home, I couldn’t find any of my roommates to tell them

My roommate got in trouble with the police because he had two crows in our apartment as pets.

The cops arrested him for attempted murder.

My roommate is gay

There was this boy who went away to college, and came back for Christmas.

Over drinks with his dad by the fireplace, he told his dad: "Dad, I think my roommate is gay."

Dad asks: "Well, what makes you think so?"

Son replies: "His dick tastes like shit."

I wrote the names of everyone I have unfriended onto a piece of paper, but my roommate took it and rolled it into a joint.

Now he’s high on my list of people I never want to see again.

Got a new roommate. She cleans my room, I clean hers.

We are maid for each other.

My roommate claims i’m schizophrenic.

Jokes on him, I don’t have a roommate.

Caught my roommate masturbating himself with a thin pancake.

What a crepe.

What did the horny hen say?

Any cock’ll doodle do!!

*courtesy of my 62 year old roommate*