Police

Students at M.I.T. recently developed a new contender for the blackest material known to man...

Scientists attempted to demonstrate it in public, but it was immediately shot by the police.

UK police today arrested a man for shooting a starting pistol at someone.

They are treating the offence as race related.

A hole

There's a hole in the nudist camp wall.

The police are looking into it.

A man walks into a gym and kills everyone there brutally

After the investigation, the police state that the victims could only be described as ripped and shredded

The p‌‌olice c‌‌alled t‌‌o t‌‌ell m‌‌e t‌‌hat m‌‌y w‌‌ife w‌‌as i‌‌n t‌‌he h‌‌ospital.

"How i‌‌s s‌‌he?", I‌‌ a‌‌sked.

"Very c‌‌ritical", r‌‌eplied t‌‌he o‌‌fficer.

"The f‌‌uck i‌‌s s‌‌he c‌‌omplaining a‌‌bout n‌‌ow?"

How many police officers does it take to change a light bulb?

They don't. They're too busy arresting the light bulb for being broke and beating the room for being black.

The police came to my house earlier and said my dog has chased someone on a bike.

I said, "You must be joking. My dog hasn't got a bike."

*(Reposted because I completely messed up the punchline in the original post, and have only just realised.)*

A man attempting to piss in public is apprehended by a police officer...

The officer asks him, "Sir, do you realize this is against the law?"

The man replies, "No, sir, it's against the wall."

My tinder date invited me back to her house tonight, and while she was in the bathroom, I had a cheeky look in her wardrobe. Inside, there was a nurse outfit, a police woman's uniform and a full dominatrix bodysuit, so I quickly pulled on my pants and snuck out of there.

I don't want a girlfriend who can't hold down a job.

The Masturbating Mime

Police in Paris have finally caught the elusive mime known for masturbating in public and harassing tourists. In a statement, Police Chief claims "he came quietly"

My local drug dealer started dressing up as a Jehovah’s Witness so he wouldn’t arouse suspicion.

He got arrested after the police saw people actually letting him in.

Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra. The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals.

Bill Gates is pulled over by a police officer one night after his car is seen swerving on the highway

The police officer asks, "Have you had anything to drink tonight, sir?"

Bill says, "Absolutely not, officer."

The cop says, "Can you please count backwards from 10 for me?"

• ⁠

Bill replies, "10, 8, 7, Vista, XP, ME, 2000, NT, 98, 95, 3, 2, 1."

I am a man who loves to give women breakfast in bed. All I want to receive in return is a simple "Thank you!"...

...not "Who are you?", "How did you get in here?", and "I'll call the police!"

My roommate got in trouble with the police because he had two crows in our apartment as pets.

The cops arrested him for attempted murder.

Police have arrested the World tongue-twister Champion.

I imagine he'll be given a tough sentence.

After extensive investigations and many phone calls, the police found that, despite the fact that I’m black, I’ve got a good job, no criminal record and I own the BMW I was driving.

So they arrested me for wasting police time.

Police just knocked on my door and said my dog is chasing a kid on his bike.

What a liar, my dog doesn't even have a bike.

Police pulls over a car driving 15 mph in a 70 mph speed zone

It was an older woman driving. He asks her why she was driving slow.

She says - "I saw a sign that said I-15, so I thought the speed limit was 15 mph"

Officer - "That is the sign for the Interstate 15. The speed limit is 70 mph on this road"

Then he notices 3 other older ladies in the back seat whose faces were white as a sheet.

He asks the driver whats wrong.

Her - "Oh, we just came off I-215"

Old joke about heaven and hell

Heaven is where the police are British, the cooks are French, and the auto mechanics are German.

Hell is where the police are German, the cooks are English, and the auto mechanics are French.

Pablo Escobar was being informed on by local children. Mortally wounded by police gunfire, his last words to them were

I would have gotten away with it if it weren't for you Medellín kids

Tom went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.

“You’ll get your chance in court.” said the Desk Sergeant.

“No, no no!” said Tom. “I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I’ve been trying to do that for years!”

I was pulled over last night and the officer asked me if I had a police record.

I told him “no but I have a couple albums by Sting.

A police officer pulls over an elderly woman on the highway.

“Ma’am”, the officer says, “I clocked you at 22 mph. The minimum speed on the highway is 45 mph.”

“But I just saw a 20 mph speed limit sign,” the woman replies.

Chuckling, the officer explains to the woman that the sign she saw was for interstate 20.

He notices that the woman’s husband is pale as a ghost and visibly shaken. “What’s the matter with him?” he asks.

She answers, “We just got off of interstate 195.”

Heisenberg and Schrodinger are out for a drive when they are stopped by the police.

"Do you know how fast you were going?" demands the cop. "No," replies Heisenberg, "but I knew where I was."

The cop sniffs, then opens the trunk and says "And do you know there is a dead cat in here?". "Well, I do *now*!" Schrodinger scowls.