Food

I just started a diet. Here's a recap of Day #1 - I removed all the fattening food from my house

It was delicious

I was stranded in the swamp for days with no food

I had no choice but to hunt down large white birds and eat them. Through the whole ordeal, I found myself filled with egret.

My roommate keeps stealing my food so I ground up Pepper and made cupcakes with it.

Pepper was a dumb thing to name his dog anyway.

To all the teachers who said I would be nothing but a fast food worker and an alcoholic,

Fuck you that just was a lucky guess.

being a waiter may not be a very glamorous job

but at least it puts food on the table

Your momma's so fat

she went to the food court and was found guilty.

So I decided to build a Restaurant on the moon

The food is great and all but there's no atmosphere.

My Chinese waiter thinks all white people look alike and gave my food to the wrong customer

Wait. Never mind. That wasn't my waiter.

They told me i couldn't eat the food i forgot in my basement 50 years ago

Little did they know i can

Doctors say they found a food that causes years of pain and suffering after its eaten...

It's called wedding cake

Why do French people eat snails?

Because they don't like fast food.

My mother used to always say "give your food a rinse before you eat it."

Lovely woman. Terrible sandwiches.

They say to never go shopping for food when you're hungry

but it's been a week already and I keep getting hungrier and hungrier.

There's a strange new trend at work, people are writing names on the food in the company fridge

Today I had a chicken sandwich named Kevin

A small plane crashed in the middle of the desert. The pilot and co-pilot wandered around for days in search of food, but could find nothing. Finally the co-pilot announced: ‘I’m so hungry....

I’m going to chop off my dick and eat it.’ ‘Before you do,’ said the pilot. ‘Think of your girlfriend.’ ‘What’s the point? At this rate I will never see her again anyway.’ ‘I know, but if you think of her first, hopefully there will be enough for both of us

In 2022, I will avoid food that gives me diarrhea.

It's a solid plan.

Me as a server in a restaurant: "Do you wanna box for the rest of this food?"

Guest says yes, so I start to put on my gloves

What do you get if you add up all the seconds of your life?

A lot of food you probably didn’t need to eat.

Hitler walks into a restaurant...

Adolf walks in to a restaurant and states, "I'm hungry!"

The owner asks, "Well, what do you want to eat?"

Hitler replies with, "As long as it's *not-sea*food, I'm sure I'll love it!"

A sandwich walks into a bar and asks for a drink.

The bartender says, "I'm sorry, we dont serve food here."

Doctor, how can I live 100 years?

Man: Doctor, how can I live to be 100 years old?

Doctor: Well, do you smoke cigarettes or do any type of drugs?

Man: Nope

Doctor: Do you eat a lot of junk food?

Man: Nope

Doctor: Do you sleep around without using protection?

Man: Nope

Doctor: Then why the hell do you want to live to be 100 years old?

My sister thinks she's so smart; she said onions are the only food that makes you cry. So I threw a coconut at her.

Dark humor is a lot like food. Not everyone gets it.

If you were food, what would you be?

Friend 1: Pizza because I’m so cheesy. Friend 2: Chocolate chip cookie because I have lots of friends. Me: Donut because I’m so empty inside.

I had this friend named Leonardo. We called him Lee. Anyway, he didn't have alot of money. In fact, he was basically broke...

So one day he stole some bread because he was starving and couldn't buy food. He was caught and sentenced to death. It's really not that funny, but this joke was poor Lee executed.