Russia jokes

How‘s a ban on watching TV called in Russia?

Nyetflix

A judge in Soviet Russia walks out of a courtroom giggling to himself.

Another judge stops him and asks what's so funny.

"Oh man, I just heard this joke about Comrade Stalin in my courtroom."

"I wan't to hear it" says the second judge.

The first judge says, "No way, I just gave someone 25 years in the gulag for it."

A worker in Russia has been standing in a liquor line for hours....

He grows tired of waiting around for so long, so he suddenly says to his friends around him “That’s it, I cannot take this anymore, please hold my place in line, I am going to shoot Putin.” They agree to hold his place and he walks off hastily.

Two hours later the worker returns. One of his friends asks him “Well, did you do it?” The worker says, “No, the line there was much longer than the line here.”

A tourist is in Russia and they see a frail little babushka sitting in front of her house, smoking a cigarette and drinking vodka.

So he stops and asks her: "Excuse me, but are you celebrating something?"

"No, I drink a few bottles of vodka every day. Always have."

"Amazing. And the cigarettes?"

"At least four packs a day, since I was a little girl."

"That's amazing! May I ask, how old are you?"

"Twenty-five".

I was in Russia listening to a stand-up comedian making fun of Putin.

The jokes weren't that good, but I liked the execution.

The England football team went to visit an orphanage in Russia this morning.

"It's good to put a smile on the faces of people with no hope, constantly struggling and facing the impossible" said Anatoly, aged 6.

Two scientists were walking around in Russia during winter

Scientist one: It's really cold outside, how many degrees?

Scientist two: it's -40°

Scientist one: Celsius or Fahrenheit?

Scientist two: Yes.

Putin has boasted that Russia is planning to build a base on the moon

The idea is that astronauts will live there permanently. When they were asked if they really wanted to spend the rest of their lives in a barren, lifeless, empty landscape, the Russians said...

"No. That's why we want to go to the moon."

My wife asked me to stop buying stupid shit online.

So I shipped her back to Russia.