A nights work...
A guy meets a sex worker in a bar.
She says, "Hey, tonight is your lucky night. I’ve got a very special game for us to play. Tonight I’ll do absolutely anything you want for £300 as long as you can say it in three words."
The guy replies, "Hey, why not?, you're on" So he proceeds to put £300 on the bar from his wallet, and says to the sex worker slowly. "Paint...my....house."
To all the teachers who said I would be nothing but a fast food worker and an alcoholic,
Fuck you that just was a lucky guess.
A little 5yo girl goes into a petshop
Hello, I want a little bunny
Worker: Sure, you want that small fluffy white one or the small puffy brown one?
Girl: I dont think my python cares...
If a co worker is sick, is it considered a staff infection?
I really just came up with this joke all by myself, this is a big moment for me.
I never wanted to believe my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker
But when I got home, all the signs were there
I was just fired today, simply for telling my co-worker that her hair smelled nice.
I think they are discriminating against me for being a midget.
Two morgue workers are talking...
They are telling stories about the people they've had on their table when one of them says: "I had a woman come in the other day and she had breasts like watermelons, man."
"Well, I had a woman come in the other day," the other one says, "and she had a clitoris like a lemon."
"What? She had a huge clitoris?"
"No, it was really sour."
Horror at the zoo
A man is at the zoo with his family. Suddenly a flustered employee comes up and says
*Sir, sir! There's been a terrible accident!*
The man responds, *What happened?*
*Your mother-in-law fell into the alligator pool!*
The man, supremely calm, says to the worker, *Not my problem! You try to save those alligators.*
A worker in Russia has been standing in a liquor line for hours....
He grows tired of waiting around for so long, so he suddenly says to his friends around him “That’s it, I cannot take this anymore, please hold my place in line, I am going to shoot Putin.” They agree to hold his place and he walks off hastily.
Two hours later the worker returns. One of his friends asks him “Well, did you do it?” The worker says, “No, the line there was much longer than the line here.”
Co-worker asked me, "If Batman, who is a regular human but with gadgets, teamed up with Superman, who has supernatural powers, and they fought against Iron Man, another regular human with gadgets, who teamed up with Thor, who has super powers, who would be the winners?"
"Your parents when you move out."
I saw an ISIS video, and I got the theme stuck in my head. I was humming it the next day at work when my Arab co-worker said, "soon, my brother."
I walked into a bookstore
Me: "Do you have any books on turtles?"
Worker: "Hardback?"
Me: "Yeah, with little heads."
I think my co-workers are gay
Every time I walk past them in the office, they always whisper "What an ass"
A kid is selling lemonade...
The boy’s sign reads “1 cup for 25¢, 3 cups for $1
A construction worker stops by and asks to buy one cup of lemonade. "25 cents", says the kid.
The construction worker then buys another one, and another one, paying 25 cents each.
As the construction worker walks away, he turns around with a smile, and says: "Hey kid, you realize I just bought three cups for 75¢... Maybe lemonade stands aren’t your thing."
"I guess you're right" says the kid good-naturedly as he sets up the next 3 cups.
A farm worker greets Josef Stalin at his potato farm...
“Comrade Stalin, we have so many potatoes that, piled one on top of the other, they would reach all the way to God,” the farmer excitedly tells his leader.
“But God does not exist,” replies Stalin.
“Exactly,” says the farmer. “Neither do the potatoes.”
Jeff Bezos is informed about the passing away of a warehouse worker on a Sunday after working continuously for 12 hours leaving behind a wife and 2 young kids
“Let’s make sure his hard work and sacrifice are not wasted....”
Jeff Bezos orders his subordinates
“Find someone who can finish the remaining 2 hours of his shift”
Why did the match factory burn down?
Because the workers went on strike
I just thought of this, not sure whether its an original joke
A charity worker stopped me in the street and asked me if I fancied taking part in a marathon
I was going to decline but he told me it was for disabled kids and children with severe learning difficulties.
I thought, fuck me, I might win this