Santa

One year, I had been a naughty child, and Santa left me a piece of coal.

So I poisoned his cookies. But the sneaky bastard found out and killed my dad.

Why was Santa’s sack so big?

He only comes once a year.

It turns out North Korea has been naughty on purpose.

They’re hoping Santa will bring them all lumps of coal for Christmas.

A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees...

"I don't want to know," the child said, bursting into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me."

Confused, the father asked what was wrong.

The boy sobbed, "When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech. At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech. When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech.

If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for."

An honest politician, a kind lawyer, and Santa were walking down the street...

...and they saw a £20 note. Who picked it up?

Santa. The other two don't exist.

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?

He sold his soul to Santa

Why don't Chinese kids believe in Santa

Because they make the gifts

What's the difference between Chris Brown and Santa? Santa stops at 3 hoes.

As a child my parents used to tell me about the Easter Bunny, Tooth Fairy and Santa

I dont believe in those stories anymore, thank GOD

From my handwriting identification skills.

I have carefully deduced that Santa is my secret Valentine every year.

Cop on horse says to little girl on bike, "Did Santa get you that?"

"Yes," replies the little girl.

"Well tell him to put a reflector light on it next year!" and fines her $5.

The little girl looks up at the cop and says, "Nice horse you've got there, did Santa bring you that?"

The cop chuckles and replies, "He sure did!"

"Well," says the little girl, "Next year tell Santa that the d*ck goes under the horse, not on top of it!"

A child asked Santa Claus

“How did your reindeer get their names?”

Santa replied, “I named them after memories, like pranced frolicking through the snow!”

“What about Donner?” the child asked.

A shadow settled on Santa’s face, and after a moment he began: “The year was 1847, and snowfall had trapped us in the Sierra Nevada ....”

Santa played a round of golf on Christmas day to relax and hit a birdie....

It was a partridge on a par 3.

How is Santa like Bill Cosby?

Neither will come if you're awake.

What do you call a kid who doesn’t believe in Santa?

A rebel without a Claus.

Epileptic Santa

He seizures when you're sleeping.