Years

My wife of 15 years has just told me she has been faking her orgasms every time we've had sex.

I can't believe she lied to me, not once, but twice.

What is Neil Armstrong's favorite key on the keyboard?

The SPACE BAR of course!!!!

My ten year old came up with that doozy :)

Did you hear that Prince Charles has tested positive for the Coronavirus?

After all these years he's finally been coronated.

My housemates are convinced our house is haunted

I don't get it. I've lived here for 273 years and not noticed anything strange.

I took the wife to a disco last night.....

There was a guy on the dance floor giving it large, breakdancing, moonwalking, back flips, the works.

My wife turned to me and said, "See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down."

I said, "Looks like he's still fucking celebrating!"

What's the difference between a 4 year girl and a 40 year old woman?

A 4 year old's favourite toy is a rubber body without any genitals. A 40 year old's favourite toy is a rubber genital without any body.

Poor Prince Phillip...

99 years old, he just missed out on getting a letter from his wife.

We cannot allow this year to end

Because that will mean admitting that 2021.

One year, I had been a naughty child, and Santa left me a piece of coal.

So I poisoned his cookies. But the sneaky bastard found out and killed my dad.

A Seventh Grade Health Class

was learning about pregnancy. Young Suzy asks her teacher, "Can my grandma get pregnant?" Her teacher replies that no, she can't, shes far too old. Suzy then asks if her fifty year old mother could get pregnant. Her teacher tells her no, shes a little too old for that. Suzy, puzzled, asks if she can get pregnant. Her teacher freaks out and tells her "Don't even think about it young lady, you're far too young!" Johnny pipes up from the back of class "See, I told you we had nothing to worry about!"

I broke up with my girlfriend of 5 years because I found out she was communist

I should have known, there were red flags everywhere

My wife always said that she wanted the body of an 18 year old...

... but she got really upset at me when I actually brought her one.

A beer bottle, a mirror and a condom go to the pub.

The beer bottle thinks for a moment and says, “You know, if you break me, you get a years bad luck.” The mirror looks incredulous at this comment and says, “That’s nothing, if you break me you get 7 years bad luck.” The condom starts to laugh so hard he falls on the floor.

a man goes to confess after 25 years

So the man walks into the confession booth for the first time in his adult life, having nothing but bad memories about it from when he was a child. So he opens the door, sits down and notices a couple of playboy nude calenders on the wall, a bottle of whiskey in the corner and a nice box of cigars next to it, and he thinks to himself "Wow, this place has really improved over the years"

But then the Father opens the door and yells "Get out! that's my booth!"

My ex-wife passed away so I went to the cemetery to honor her. I brought a 20 year old bottle of fine scotch and poured it over her grave

But first I filtered it through my kidneys.

6 years ago i DMed my facebook crush telling her that I am going to take her out on a date. Today I asked her to marry me.

She said no both times and blocked me

My neighbor grew tired of being a taxidermist after 15 years, and went to veterinarian school.

His new business never got off the ground so he decided to operate both his taxidermy and vet business together to save money. His new slogan was: "No Matter What Happens - You Get Your Cat Back."

One gallon of gasoline contains roughly the amount of energy required for a human to live 56 years

Therefore, if you chug two gallons of gasoline you'll never have to eat again!

A group of blondes walk into a bar,

all of them chanting "Twenty-four days! Twenty-four days!" They got a table and continued to yell "Twenty-four days! Twenty-four days!" They started hooting and high-fiving each other as well. Intrigued, the bartender walks over to the table and sees a finished child's puzzle with Sesame Street's Elmo on it. "What are we celebrating?" asks the bartender.

"We finished this puzzle in twenty-four days," said one of the blondes,"but the box label said '3 to 5 years'!"

Today my 4-year-old asked me what an autobiography is

So I said to her, "It's self-explanatory".

A guy falls in love with a very traditional and conservative girl...

...that means no sex before marriage. But he does not care, he loves her. After a year of dating he decides its time to propose to her. So he heads to her father's house to ask for his blessing.

‟Hello, sir, I am here to ask for your daughter's hand”

A bit skeptical and looking to see if he really does love her, the father asks ‟And why is that?”

The guy lets out a long drawn out sigh... ‟Well, its just that mine have gotten tired.”

I'm going to buy a 6k monitor for 2018

It's my new year's resolution.

I asked my 5 year old daughter what she wanted for her birthday?

She said, she wanted unicorns,fairies and rainbows.

LSD it is then.

A judge in Soviet Russia walks out of a courtroom giggling to himself.

Another judge stops him and asks what's so funny.

"Oh man, I just heard this joke about Comrade Stalin in my courtroom."

"I wan't to hear it" says the second judge.

The first judge says, "No way, I just gave someone 25 years in the gulag for it."

For years, my wife and I had sex as soon as we woke up. Sadly, she passed away.

Now I wake up every day with mourning wood.