A mean teacher wanted to show his class he meant business.
So he asked, "If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up." After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet. "Now then, mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" Inquired the teacher with a sneer. "Well, actually I don't," said the student, "But I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."
The fact Ozzy has COVID now just shows bats always get their revenge.
(All the best to them, hope he gets to live a long time)
What Ricky Gervais said after taking some digs at fat people at a show
"I don't want fat people to feel uncomfortable at my gigs. So next time, buy two seats"
The CIA, FBI, and the KGB are tasked with finding a rabbit in a forest...
The CIA show up after a few days and release a 6000 word article on the fact that rabbits don't exist.
The FBI show up with a dead rabbit and say in a press release "The rabbit had it coming."
The KGB show up with a bruised and beaten bear. The bear is forced to make a statement "I am a rabbit, my father was a rabbit, and my mother is a rabbit. My whole family are rabbits!" the bear disappears shortly after...
So I told my friend that this guy that hosted a party had a golden toilet
He didn't believe me one bit. So we went to the guy's house and when the door opened, it was his mother. We asked if I could show my friend your golden toilet because he doesn't believe it. She looked at me for a while, then shouted back into the house, "Nick, the guy who shit in your tuba is here!"
Had my first threesome tonight.
There were two no-shows but I still had a great time
BREAKING: New Study Shows Getting Hit in the Testicles is More Painful than Childbirth
After childbirth 34% of women said “Yes” they would like to have another child.
After getting hit in the testicles ~0% of men said “Yes” they’d like to do that again.
I showed my girlfriend my shotgun yesterday. It really blew her away.
What show does an orphan hate? Family Guy.
I showed my 12 year old son an old floppy disk..
He said "Wow.. Cool! You 3D printed the save icon!"
"No child of mine is going out in a skirt that short."
"Dad, I'm sixteen. I'll wear what I want!"
"Yeah, but son, your nuts are showing."
Two of Trump's wives have been immigrants.
Which just goes to show you that those people will take jobs that no American wants.
Cockroaches can survive a nuclear fallout but dies when you swat them with a newspaper...
Shows how toxic our media is...
A school finally decided it's ok to show their students a documentary about menstrual cycles.
It was about bloody time.
What did the suicide bomber instructor say...
I'm only going to show you this once.
A police man searched me in a public toilet last night and found a small bag of class A drugs.
"its not my fault", I said, "Every time I try flushing them down the toilet they magically appear back in my pocket again."
"Do you really expect me to believe that?" he said
I said, "I'll Prove it to you if you want me to!"
"Go on than." he smiled, handing me the bag.
After flushing them, he looked at me and said,
"Well, show me your pocket than."
"What for?" I asked
He said, "The drugs."
I said, "What drugs?"
A guy is sitting home alone, when suddenly he hears a knock on the door.
He gets up to answer. There are two policemen outside. They ask him if he's married. He says yes and the policemen want to see the photo of the wife. He gets one and shows it to them. The policemen exchange sad looks and one of them says: "I'm very sorry, but it looks like your wife was hit by a truck." "Yeah I guess, but she's got a great sense of humor and cooks a hell of a brisket."
Doctor just told a nun that she is pregnant.
Nun: "Doctor, you can't be serious - I haven't had sex with a man even once in my entire life! I am saving myself for God!"
Doc: "Sorry, but the tests show undoubtedly that you are pregnant..."
Nun leaves the doctor in anger and bursts back into church shouting: "Ok, who in the name of the God HAD CUM ONTO THE CANDLES!!!"
Boss shows up at a job site
Boss: "Bob where were you I've been looking for you since morning!!!!! It's lunch time already!!!!"
Bob: "Boss, a good employee is hard to find."
Bill Cosby is going to have a new show
Women Say the Darndest Things