A young lady came home from a date, rather sad. She told her mother, "Jeff proposed to me an hour ago."
"Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked.
"Because he also told me he was an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a hell."
Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we'll show him how wrong he is."
A young boy runs into the house and excited shows his mother a 50$ bill he found in the park.
Are you sure it was lost, his mother asked. Yes, the boy replied, I am positive, I even saw the guy looking for it.
I want to make a trivia show for rednecks where wrong answers cost them their hair.
I'll call it "Mullet Over."
What is the difference between Disney and brazzer?
Disney teaches you how to hate your step mom while Brazzer teaches you how you can show your love.
Extreme Sexual Exhaustion
A teacher was wrapping up class, and started talking about tomorrow's final exam. He said there would be no excuses for not showing up tomorrow, barring a dire medical condition or an immediate family member's death. One smart ass, male student said, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?", and the whole classroom burst into laughter. After the laughter had subsided, the teacher glared at the student, and said, "Not an excuse, you can use your other hand to write."
The worst part about working at the unemployment office?
When you get fired, you still have to show up the next day.
What is the area at the Danish/German border called?
The DaneGer zone!
I'll show myself out.
My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder.
"That's my step ladder", he said. "I never knew my real ladder".
how do you make gold soup?
put 14 carrots in it.
I'll show myself out.
What is a chef's favorite gun?
A-salt-rifle
I'll show myself out
A recent study shows that 9/10 men prefer women with big boobs.
I think the 10th one prefers the other 9.
A Chinese couple gave birth to an albino baby
...which just goes to show that two Wongs do make a white.
My boss showed up to work in a brand new Bentley
I complimented him on the quality of his ride. He said “well son if you work hard and put in those extra hours, in a few years I’ll get another.”
but I have a PhD...
"Here's a broom go and sweep the floors."
"But I have a PhD..."
"Oh sorry, give me the broom, I'll show you how its done."
What's next to Moscow?
Pa's cow. I'll show myself out...
penny scales
A woman stepped on one of those penny scales that tell you your fortune and weight and put in a coin.
"Listen to this," she said to her husband, showing him a small, white card. "It says I'm energetic, bright, resourceful and a great lover."
"Yeah," her husband nodded, "and it has your weight wrong, too."
I want to hire a Mexican, An Italian and a Russian
To show up at my funeral in black suits and say "thank you boss", then leave. Just so that my Family and Friends would think I had something Big going on.
A kid comes up to me to show me a nickel he had just found...
He then says he could tell my fortune if I gave him a penny. I gave him a penny and he told me my fortune, “You are going to laugh within the next few minutes.” Confused, I asked how he could know this. He held out his hand with the coins in his palm and said, “I’ve got this sixth cents.” He was right, I did laugh.
I was tired and bored one night, so I went to the bar to have a few drinks. The bartender asked me, “What’ll you have?” I said, “Surprise me.”
He showed me a naked picture of my wife.
Three men were sitting in a prison cell in Moscow in 1937
They discussed why they had been arrested.
"I showed up ten minutes late for work" the first man said "so they arrested me for sabotage"
"I showed up ten minutes early for work" said the second "so they arrested me for espionage"
"I showed up to work on time" said the third "so they arrested me for owning a Western watch"
A mean teacher wanted to show his class he meant business.
So he asked, "If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up." After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet. "Now then, mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" Inquired the teacher with a sneer. "Well, actually I don't," said the student, "But I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."
The fact Ozzy has COVID now just shows bats always get their revenge.
(All the best to them, hope he gets to live a long time)
What Ricky Gervais said after taking some digs at fat people at a show
"I don't want fat people to feel uncomfortable at my gigs. So next time, buy two seats"
The CIA, FBI, and the KGB are tasked with finding a rabbit in a forest...
The CIA show up after a few days and release a 6000 word article on the fact that rabbits don't exist.
The FBI show up with a dead rabbit and say in a press release "The rabbit had it coming."
The KGB show up with a bruised and beaten bear. The bear is forced to make a statement "I am a rabbit, my father was a rabbit, and my mother is a rabbit. My whole family are rabbits!" the bear disappears shortly after...
So I told my friend that this guy that hosted a party had a golden toilet
He didn't believe me one bit. So we went to the guy's house and when the door opened, it was his mother. We asked if I could show my friend your golden toilet because he doesn't believe it. She looked at me for a while, then shouted back into the house, "Nick, the guy who shit in your tuba is here!"