School

When you hit a speed bump in a school zone and remember, there are no speed bumps.

What if I tell you there is a way to stop all the kids in the school making fun of you because you are still a virgin?

Just start giving them bad grades.

A teenage girl come home from school and asks her mother a question

"Is it true what Rita just told me?" "What's that?" asks her mother. "That babies come out of the same place where boys put their penises?" said her daughter. "Yes it is dear!" replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and that she wouldn't have to explain it to her daughter. "But then, when I have a baby," responded the teenager, "won't it knock my teeth out?"

My first time having sex was a lot like my first high-school football game.

I was bruised and bloody in the end but at least my dad came.

My neighbor grew tired of being a taxidermist after 15 years, and went to veterinarian school.

His new business never got off the ground so he decided to operate both his taxidermy and vet business together to save money. His new slogan was: "No Matter What Happens - You Get Your Cat Back."

Why do Americans take a gun while they go fishing ?

Cause groups of fish are called schools

When I left school, I passed every one of my exams with the exception of Greek Mythology.

It always was my achilles elbow.

Every year, hundreds of kids are shipped off to mime school...

...never to be heard from again.

What’s the worst thing to say in a job interview?

This place is 5k from a school, right?

Did you know semen leaves the body at almost thirty miles per hour?

This means it's illegal to ejaculate in a school zone.

I don't think the speed was why I was arrested though.

I accept that my son is only average at school...

...he means well.

White people don't shoot each other in the streets like black people do.

We do it in schools, because we have class.

Why are students prohibited from playing Fortnite during school?

It would be really hard to tell where the gunshots are coming from

Waking up on a Monday morning...

On a Monday morning, a mother went in to wake up her son. "Wake up son. It's time to got to school!" "But mom, I don't want to go." "Give me two reasons why." "Well, the kids hate me, and the teachers hate me too!" "That's no reason. Come now get ready." "Give me two reasons why I should go?" "Well for one you are 52 years old. And for another, you're the principal!".

In a libertarian society, would there be vending machines selling heroin on the sidewalk right outside of elementary schools?

Of course not! For starters, there wouldn't be any sidewalks.

Mom: "How was school today, Noah?"

Noah: "It was awesome! Today we made explosives!"

Mom: "Very interesting. What will you do in school tomorrow?"

Noah: "What school?"

The other day at school, we had to write down our hero and what we would do if they walked into our house. I got off easy because my hero is Stephen Hawking.

A kid asks his dad, "Dad, what is sex?"...

The dad is shocked. He goes into an internal struggle of whether to scold him or to tell him. Finally he decides to tell him and gives the kid the most eloquent explanation of sex complete with foreplay techniques and sex positions. The kid frowns after he's done and asks "So what do I put on the school admission form?"

How do you make a hormone?

You pay her.

(This was told at my pharmacy school. We laughed and then felt shame afterwards.)

My bullies broke my MP3-Player at school. Luckily, my parents bought me an MP4 for my birthday, but these idiots destroyed it again.

Tomorrow, I'll bring an MP5.

I'm from the southern US, is it OK to poke fun at myself?

Why don't schools in the south teach Driver's Ed and Sex Ed on same day?

Too hard on the mule.

Topless carwash

So these kids in school are trying to find new ways to raise money. They suggest a few ideas, all of which are shot down by their teacher. Finally a kid says ‘I get it! We should do a topless carwash!’

Very carefully, the teacher asks: ‘what do you mean?’

The kid says, ‘well, we can’t reach the roofs of the cars, so we will just do the sides and the front and back’

Good Kid!

A father had a rather dim-witted son. One day, the son came home from school. His father asked him, "How was school, son?" His son replied, "Great dad! My teacher asked a question, and only I could answer!" His father was overjoyed. He probed, "Good kid! What was the question?"

His son replied, "She asked, 'Who farted?' "

A joke my grandmother, of all people, told me when I was a kid.

I don't know how many of y'all have heard this joke, but here it goes. Two guys were at a University of Georgia football game when one of them looks down at the Georgia Bulldog sidelines and sees Uga, the school mascot, licking himself like dogs like to do. The guy smiles, leans over to his buddy while pointing at Uga and says, "Man, I wish I could do that". His friend looks back at him in surprise and says, "Man, that dog would bite you!"

What does a gun and a pack of gum have in common?

Everyone suddenly wants to be your friend when you take it out at school.