A Woman goes to buy a Parrot.
The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks why the last one is so cheap?
"Because he used to live in a brothel" says the shopkeeper. She pays the $15. When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs. When her daughters get home the parrot says: "Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!" The girls laugh too. When the dad gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me Pete, haven't seen you for weeks!"
A man and his wife are arguing, the man says it's going to rain, the woman says it isn't.
"Let's ask Rudolph, the communist police officer"says the man
"It might, the sky is pretty cloudy" says the policeman
The man turns to his wife and says: "See, Rudolph the red knows rain, dear"
Dirty Blonde
A blonde walks into a dry cleaners and tells the woman at the counter, "I need to have an outfit washed."
The clerk was busy and slightly distracted, so she looked up from her work and said, "Come again?"
The blonde said, "No, it's toothpaste this time."
I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs...
"Really?" she said, "Go on then...try." After about thirty seconds of fondling she lost patience and demanded "Come on, what day was I born?"
“Yesterday." I replied.
Honest Guy
A truckie who has been out on the road for three weeks steps into a brothel outside Kalgoorlie. He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says, I want your ugliest woman and a burnt chop.!! The Madam is astonished. 'But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest ladies and a lovely three-course meal. The truckie replies, 'I'm not horny . . . . ... I'm homesick.
Erect your ears for this one
A woman asks her husband to start taking those pills that will help him achieve an erection. He agrees. The next day, she asks if he got the pills. "Picked 'em up today. Here you go honey," and tosses her a bottle of diet pills
You only need 2.5 inches to pleasure a woman
Doesn't matter if it's Visa or Mastercard
Two morticians meet in a bar...
...and talk about their jobs. The first mortician says to the other: "Today I got a woman who had a clitoris like a pickled cucumber". the other one asks: "What, so big?" "No," says the first, "so salty!"
What do you feed a woman to stop her from giving blowjobs?
Wedding cake
If a woman sleeps with 10 men she's a slut, but if a man does it......
He's gay, definitely gay.
A woman astronaut calls her base: -Houston we have a problem. -What is it? -Nothing...
At 18 a woman is like Africa, wild and untamed.
At 28 a woman is like Asia, exotic and beautiful.
At 38 a woman is like America, flourishing and in the prime of life.
At 48 a woman is like Europe, exhausted but still has points of interest.
At 58 a woman is like Australia, everyone knows it's down there but nobody gives a damn.
A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection.
Judge: “First offender?”
Lady: “No first a Gibson, then a Fender.”
A woman falls off of a ten story building...
...and a man on an eighth floor balcony reaches out and catches her in his arms.
"Do you fuck?", he asks.
"No!". she replied, and the man drops her.
On the sixth floor a man catches her and asks, "Do you suck?"
Again she says no and the man drops her.
On the fourth floor a man catches her and she immediately yells, "I FUCK! I SUCK!"
The man looks disgusted. "Slut!" and he drops her.
This morning, I was beaten up by a busty woman in an elevator.
I was staring at her boobs when she said, “Would you please press 1?” So I did. I don’t remember much afterwards
Woman get 77 cents for every dollar a man earns.
Well, at least men get to keep the 23 cents.
Who is the moat popular guy in a nudist colony?
The one who can hold 12 doughnuts without any hands.
Who is the most popular woman?
The one who can eat the last doughnut
An old woman reaches the end of her life..
A very old woman realizes that she's seen and done everything and the time has come to depart from this world. After considering various methods of doing away with herself, she decides to shoot herself through the heart.
Not wanting to make a mistake, she phones her doctor and asks him the exact location of the heart. He tells her that the heart is located two inches below the left nipple.
The old woman hangs up the phone, takes careful aim and shoots herself in the left knee.
I was offered sex from a 21 year old woman...
In exchange, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner. Of course I declined, because I am a person of high moral standards and strong willpower. Just as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner. Now available with scented lemon and vanilla.
What does a Russian woman say to stop her husband from abusing her?
Vladislov, baby don't hurt me, don't hurt me, no more...
I'm sorry..