Jokes

Oh hey, Larry's sporting bling in his ears

Joe: When did you start wearing earrings?

Larry: Since the day my wife found them in my car.

It’s confirmed . Fresh cow dung can stop corona

Dip both your hands in fresh cow dung before going out.

This will make sure that

a) you will not touch your eyes, nose, ear or mouth.

b) nobody will shake hands with you.

c) Nobody will come near you when you are out in the streets.

d) You will wash your hands thoroughly before you eat.

Cowboy Insurance

The cowboy was trying to buy a health insurance policy. The insurance agent was going down the list of standard questions.

"Ever have an accident?"

"Nope, nary a one."

"None? You've never had any accidents."

"Nope. Ain't had one. Never."

"Well, you said in this form you were bitten by a snake once. Wouldn't you consider that an accident?"

"Heck, no. That dang varmint bit me on purpose."

What do you call an evil cat, who only lives to be an ass hole?

A cat.

My hamster died today.

He fell asleep at the wheel.

Genie: You have two wishes left

Me: I wish the letter G was the letter P instead

Penie: And your final wish?

Me: I wish that every E at the end of a word was an S instead

Penis:

Ms: Nics

Yesterday, a clown held a door open for me...

I thought it was a nice jester...

A pimp opened a whore house...

But he didn't have any girls so he had to run it by hand.

I’m using viagra for my sunburn

It doesn’t make it hurt any less but it keeps the sheets off my legs

Harry can’t tell the difference between his potion brewing pot and his best friend...

They are both cauldron.

I used to be a phone sex operator...

But I got hearing aids.

I tried to kidnap a blacksmith, but when I turned my back ...

... he made a bolt for the door.

So I complimented my friend's majestic moustache.

No idea why she had to slap me though.

My neighbors started makes sex videos.

They just don't know it yet.

Was walking home the other night and noticed a black guy carrying a TV. Looked just like mine...

So, in fear it had been stolen, I ran home to check. To my relief, mine was still there, polishing my shoes.

Why didn't they punish the student who hung himself?

He was already suspended.

Quantum entanglement is not hard to understand:

Socks come in pairs. If you put a sock on your left foot, the other sock of the pair instantly becomes the “right sock,” no matter where it is located in the universe.

Why does Ivanka get on top?

Because Donald only fucks up.

Today is 4/22!

If you missed 4/20, don't worry because today is 4/22

2 lawyers are in a restaurant eating their sandwiches.

The owner walks in and says, "You can't eat your own food in here!"

The lawyers sigh and swap sandwiches.