Today jokes

Today was a terrible day. My ex got hit by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver.

"Today was great." "What happened?" "I ran into my ex." "What's great about that?" "I was in my car."

Today, I donated my watch, phone, and $500 to a poor man. The joy I felt as he slid the pistol back into his pocket was indescribable.

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "How you doing today?" the bartender asks

. "Actually, earlier today I was feeling really down. Depressed even," the guy says. "But then I parked in a handicapped stall at the grocery store and then I had a bunch of complete strangers rally around me and tell me there was nothing wrong with me."

Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door in my face.

My parents are the worst.

Why did the sperm cross the street?

Because I put on the wrong socks today

I created a new word today.

Plagiarism.

Be careful today when searching "Giant Black Hole Pics"

All I keep getting are scientific articles.

UK police today arrested a man for shooting a starting pistol at someone.

They are treating the offence as race related.

Lorena Bobbitt died in a car accident today...

Apparently some dick cut her off.

6 years ago i DMed my facebook crush telling her that I am going to take her out on a date. Today I asked her to marry me.

She said no both times and blocked me

Today my 4-year-old asked me what an autobiography is

So I said to her, "It's self-explanatory".

Friend: I got kicked out of math class today.

Me: Why? Friend: Turns out mouthwash doesn't come after 69.

A man comes home from work to find his wife of 30 years standing in front of a mirror naked. He asks, "honey, why are you standing there looking at yourself naked?"

She responds, "I went to the doctor today and he told me I have the breasts of a 35 year old"

Her husband responds, "hmmm...did he say anything about your 60 year old ass?"

She answered, "No actually we didn't talk about you at all"

Found 4 fox cubs

I called the ISPCA today and said, "I've just found a suitcase in the woods containing a fox and four cubs."

"That's terrible," the woman on the phone replied. "Are they moving?"

"I'm not sure, to be honest," I said, "But that would explain the suitcase."

Called my boss, what's the different between work and your daughter.

I will not be coming into work today.

So I was at the Library today

.. And a black Gentleman came over to me and asked where the coloured printer was. I replied "Man its 2016 you can use any printer!"

Today, I got pulled over by a female cop.

I rolled down my window to ask what was wrong.

She said "NOTHING!"

A computer goes up to a guy at a restaurant...

It says, "I'll be your server today."

I went for a job interview today to work for a blacksmith

He asked if I had any experience in shoeing a horse?

I said ”No! But I once told a donkey to fuck off!”