Jokes

A piece of toast walks into a bar.

The bartender starts chatting with him. "Where are you from? I haven't met many pieces of toast."

The piece of toast takes a long sip of beer, and says "Well, I was born and bread in New York."

There are 3 unwritten rules of life.

1.

2.

3.

Did you hear about the cannibal who visited the ICU ward?

His doctor told him to eat more vegetables.

It’s sad that nothing is made in America anymore...

I just bought a new t.v. and it said “Built in antenna” I don’t even know where that is!

What's the quickest way to get a musician off your front porch?

Tip him for the pizza.

Why are airbags so expensive?

Because of inflation.

Husband and wife

A husband and wife were setting a password for their joint twitter account.

The husband types 'My Penis'

The wife dies laughing on the floor when it says 'Not long enough'

What do you get when you mix a broccoli and a melon?

The saddest vegetable known to man: A Melonccoli.

Afraid to die alone?

Become a bus driver.

So a guy buys a $5 hooker.....

They have sex and the next day the guys realizes he has crabs. The guy goes back the next day to complain and demand a refund

The hooker goes "It was only $5, what did you expect? Lobster?"

I met a guy who's a carpenter, he told me he makes stools.

'Me too' I says 'but they're all shit'

What did the squid say to the bagpipes?

I would fuck you if I could get you out of those pajamas.

The spread of Covid 19 is based on 2 factors...

1) How dense the population is.

2) How dense the population is.

I hate it when homeless people shake their cups of coins at me

I get that you have more money than me, no need to rub it in

I broke up with my girlfriend when she told me she used to be Christian.

I only knew her as Christina and this was too much of a shock.

A Holocaust survivor passed away, went to heaven, and told God a Holocaust joke

God: Holocaust jokes aren’t funny

Holocaust Survivor: I guess you had to be there

How does Hitler tie his shoes?

In little knotsies

My graphing calculator works really well...

Some would say it functions perfectly.

A man sends 10 puns to a pun contest in hopes that at least one of them would be selected as the winning entry

No pun in ten did.

What's the difference between a 4 year girl and a 40 year old woman?

A 4 year old's favourite toy is a rubber body without any genitals. A 40 year old's favourite toy is a rubber genital without any body.