Little Johnny was sitting in class behind a girl called Sally. The teacher asks the class, "Who created the Earth?" Little Johnny pokes Sally in the back with his sharpened pencil, and she jumps and says, "MY GOD!" The teacher says, "Yes, Sally, God did create the Earth." Sally sits down. The teacher then asks, "Where do you go after you live a good life?" Little Johnny pokes Sally again, and she jumps up and says, "HEAVENS TO BETSY!" The teacher says, "Yes, Sally. You will go to heaven after you live a good life." Sally sits down, knowing full well Little Johnny was poking her. Sally gives Little Johnny an angry glare, turns around, and then, the teacher asks, "What did Eve say to Adam after their 77th child?" Little Johnny pokes Sally HARDER this time, and Sally jumps, turns around, and says, "If you stick that thing in me one more time, I swear I'm gonna lose it!" And the teacher faints.
‟GIVE IT TO ME” she yelled ‟Oh my God I am so wet!!”
She could scream all she wants I was keeping the umbrella
A Holocaust survivor passed away, went to heaven, and told God a Holocaust joke
God: Holocaust jokes aren’t funny
Holocaust Survivor: I guess you had to be there
Why was the nun hooked up to an IV of holy water?
She was taking god's name in vein.
Jew problems
An old jew comes to a rabbi and says: "Please help me, my son became a christian!"
The rabbi replies: "i can't help you, god has the same problem."
"Thank you for the glass of milk earlier", I said to the sperm bank employee.
"What glass of milk?", he replied.
Me: The glass of milk that was sitting on your desk.
"Oh my god!"
Me: What?
"That was my glass of milk."
A man walks into a bar and asks for a job.
The owner asks him “What makes you think you’re qualified for a job here?”
The man replies: “Sir, when my father was young he killed a man named Bartholomew. His father, in his youth, also killed a man named Bartholomew. His father did the same, and his father, and his father, all the way to the 18th century.”
The owner is shocked and confused: “Dear God, but what does that have to do with the job?”
The man replied: “I’m trying to say I come from a long line of Bart enders.”
A man goes ice fishing...
He takes out his ice pick and begins to hack away. Suddenly, he hears a booming voice from above say, "There are no fish there."
He moves to a new spot and begins again. Again comes the voice, ”There are no fish there either."
He tries a third spot, and again the voice informs him, "Not there either."
Frightened, the man calls out, "Is that you, God?"
"No," the voice booms, "I'm the rink manager."
Creative Writing
A university creative writing class was asked to write a concise essay containing these four elements: religion, royalty, sex, mystery.
The prize winning essay read: "My God!" said the Queen. "I am pregnant. I wonder who did it?"
I’m like a God to my current girlfriend.
I constantly keep an eye on her, and she doesn’t know I exist.
A gamer dies and goes to hell...
After one week, the devil goes to God:
\- God?! What crazy person have you send me here? He destroyed all the cauldrons, killed all demons, running like crazy everywhere and yelling: "Where is the exit to LEVEL 2!!!"
two hardcore trump supporters die and ascend to heaven.
God meets them at the pearly gates and asks if they have any questions.
One of them says, “yes, what were the real results of the 2020 election and who was behind the fraud?”.
God says, "my son, there was no fraud. Biden won the electoral college fair and square, 306 to 232”.
After a few seconds of stunned silence, the one guy turns to the other and whispers, “This goes higher up than we thought”.
I saw a guy wearing a T-shirt with the tag "Life = God + Righteousness"
I hope he understands that it also means; "God = Life - Righteousness" and "Righteousness = Life - God".
My wife said I was a God in bed.
Her exact words were "You're a God damn pain in my ass," but I know what she meant.
What do you call an inexperienced Egyptian God?
Anoobis
An atheist in the forest...
stumbles upon a bear. The bear rears up to attack and the atheist yells "oh god no!" time stops and he hears the voice of god say "you called for me my son?" the atheist responds "I would ask you to save me, but that would be hypocritical, so instead, can you make the bear a christian?" he hears "I shall do this for you my son". Time resumes and the bear stops, puts his paws together and says "God in the heavens.... thank you for this meal you have provided me with today, amen"
As a kid I was told that, "Every time you masturbate, God kills a kitten."
Also when I was a kid I was told by Bob Barker to, "..help control the pet population."
I was raised to listen to my elders...
The multiple times I talk to God it's called praying
But the one time God talks back to me I'm labeled as a schizophrenic
A man picks up a hitchhiking priest on the highway
Soon after he sees a hitchhiking lawyer on the side of the road. He aims his car towards the lawyer with the intent to run him over, but remembers he has a priest in the car with him and swerves at the last second. He feigns innocence and says to the priest "Oh my God! That was close! I almost ran over that lawyer!", to which the priest replies "That's okay son. I got him with my door."
One day a horse asked God “Hey God can you make my **ck even longer?”
And thus the giraffe was born.
