Jokes

My housemates are convinced our house is haunted

I don't get it. I've lived here for 273 years and not noticed anything strange.

Two blondes are trying to unlock their car with a coat hanger.

One says, "Hurry up! It's starting to rain and the top's down!"

I bought a Bonnie Tyler Sat Nav

Total waste of money, all it ever does it tell me to turn around, and every now and then it falls apart.

What sexual position creates the ugliest kids?

Ask your parents

What are the 3 stages of sex after marriage?

Tri-weekyl

Try Weekly

and

Try Weakly

I took the wife to a disco last night.....

There was a guy on the dance floor giving it large, breakdancing, moonwalking, back flips, the works.

My wife turned to me and said, "See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down."

I said, "Looks like he's still fucking celebrating!"

Boy asks, "Granny, have u seen my pills, they're marked LSD"

Granny replies, "Fuck the pills, have u seen the dragon in the kitchen?!"

If you wrote a book about Lightning McQueen...

Is it a biography or an autobiography?

How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?

Ten-tickles.

I'm sorry, everyone.

My friends call me 007 when i play call of duty with them.

0 Kills

0 Assist

7 Deaths

Doctor- Calm down alex, it's just a minor operation.

Patient- thank you, but I am not Alex.

Doctor- I am.

I wish my girlfriend wasn't so obsessed about her breast size. Even a trip to the car dealership became embarrassing.

She told the guy she wanted something that'll get her from A to B.

A nights work...

A guy meets a sex worker in a bar.

She says, "Hey, tonight is your lucky night. I’ve got a very special game for us to play. Tonight I’ll do absolutely anything you want for £300 as long as you can say it in three words."

The guy replies, "Hey, why not?, you're on" So he proceeds to put £300 on the bar from his wallet, and says to the sex worker slowly. "Paint...my....house."

Given that a radiator is essentially a vital organ to a car, it’s strange that the town in the movie “Cars” is called “Radiator Springs”.

It would be like if we called a city “Liver Pool”.

How‘s a ban on watching TV called in Russia?

Nyetflix

I told my wife I wanted to name our unborn son Obvious.

She said, "That's a stupid name."

I said, "Now you're gestating the Obvious."

Be careful today when searching "Giant Black Hole Pics"

All I keep getting are scientific articles.

A woman is sitting at her deceased husband's funeral. A man leans into her and asks, "Do you mind if I say a word?"

"No, go right ahead." the woman replies.

The man stands, clears his throat, says "Plethora", and sits back down.

"Thank you", the woman says, "that means a lot."

What is the longest word in the Spanish language?

Goooooooooooaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaallllllllllllllllllllllll

A left leaning politician walks into a bar

The bartender asks: Have you received therapy for your scoliosis yet?