Jokes

My girlfriend's dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one.

It just made her more upset.

She screamed at me, "What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?"

What's the difference between Stephen Hawking and the computer he's hooked up to? The computer runs.

Why has Stephen Hawking stopped playing hide and seek with his wife? Because she keeps using a metal detector.

What did Stephen Hawking say when his computer crashed?

Nothing.

Why does Stephen Hawking do one-liners? Because he can't do stand-up.

Stephen Hawking walked into a bar. Just kidding. :(

I can't find out where Stephen Hawking is from; I just can't place his accent.

When does a pentagon not have 5 sides?

When it's intersected by a plane

If Stephen Hawking has a heart attack, do you take him to Halfords or A&E?

What shampoo does Stephen Hawking use? Head & Shoulders.

Stephen Hawking said there is no God. God said there is no Stephen Hawking.

What's Stephen Hawking's favorite type of comedy? Stand-up.

Stephen Hawking is such a bad role model for our kids. He only ever looks one way when crossing the street.

Stephen Hawking's death was purely accidental. He clicked "shut down" instead of "sleep".

What's the difference between Stephen Hawking and a walkie-talkie? Stephen can't walkie, and Stephen can't talkie.

A kid asks his dad, "Dad, what is sex?"...

The dad is shocked. He goes into an internal struggle of whether to scold him or to tell him. Finally he decides to tell him and gives the kid the most eloquent explanation of sex complete with foreplay techniques and sex positions. The kid frowns after he's done and asks "So what do I put on the school admission form?"

What the difference between a catholic priest and a pimple?

Pimples wait until puberty to come on your face.

William Shakespeare chewed on his pencil so much...

...that eventually he couldn't tell if it was 2B or not 2B.

I met a beautiful girl in the park the other evening. There was an instant spark between us and she immediately dropped to her knees and laid on the grass at my feet. As we were making love, I thought .... "These taser guns are well worth the money."

penny scales

A woman stepped on one of those penny scales that tell you your fortune and weight and put in a coin.

"Listen to this," she said to her husband, showing him a small, white card. "It says I'm energetic, bright, resourceful and a great lover."

"Yeah," her husband nodded, "and it has your weight wrong, too."