Jokes

An honest politician, a kind lawyer, and Santa were walking down the street...

...and they saw a £20 note. Who picked it up?

Santa. The other two don't exist.

RIP to my good friend Brian...

...eaten by a pack of dyslexic zombies :(

Why is nostalgia like grammar?

We find the present tense and the past perfect

Safe Driving

Officer: Why did you deliberately run into that crowd of people?!

Man: Well, my brakes failed. There was a crowd on one side of the road, and a single man on the other.

Officer: SO WHY DID YOU HIT THE CROWD!?!

Man: Naturally, I swerved left to avoid the crowd, and hit that single man! But then ... that SELFISH bastard ran across the road towards the crowd!

Why are women and children evacuated first in a disaster?

So we can think about a solution in silence.

I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all. “How much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. “Nothing” I slurred. “Look at me!” she shouted. “It’s either me or the pub, which one is it?”

I paused for a second while I thought and mumbled, “It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”

I was once taught that nothing rhymes with silver...

But to this day, I still don’t think they sound the same.

What's worse than waking up with a penis drawn on your face?

Finding out it was traced

what's worse then three kids in a dumpster...

One kid in three dumpsters

Two morgue workers are talking...

They are telling stories about the people they've had on their table when one of them says: "I had a woman come in the other day and she had breasts like watermelons, man."

"Well, I had a woman come in the other day," the other one says, "and she had a clitoris like a lemon."

"What? She had a huge clitoris?"

"No, it was really sour."

Is your refrigerator running?

Because I'd vote for it

I've never met a full on jew

They were all just sort of jew-ish

I walked past the butchers and saw a sign in the window

"Wanted: Apprentice"

So I went inside and asked the butcher what happened to the old one.

He said "I had to fire him"

I asked "why?"

He replied "I caught him sticking his dick in the bacon slicer"

"Oh dear" I said "and what happened to the bacon slicer?"

He said "I fired her as well"

What's Hillary Clinton's favorite Christmas carol?

Depends, what is yours?

My wife kicked me out because of my terrible Arnold Schwarzenegger impressions. But don't worry,

I'll return.

Jussie Smollett is deeply regretting what he did.

He shouldn't beat himself up over it.

Two boys argue over whose parents are better.

The first boy says, "My dad's better than your dad."

The other boy says, "Well, my mom is better than your mom."

The first boy pauses, "I guess you're right. My dad says the same thing."

After extensive investigations and many phone calls, the police found that, despite the fact that I’m black, I’ve got a good job, no criminal record and I own the BMW I was driving.

So they arrested me for wasting police time.

A woman is golfing with some friends.

After sinking her first putt, she's on her way down the path to the second tee when she gets stung by a bee. She rushes the short distance back to the clubhouse, hoping to find a doctor.

She bumps into the resident golf pro, who says, "What can I help you with?"

The woman tells him she's been stung by a bee.

The pro asks, "Oh really, where?"

The lady replies, "Between the first and second hole."

To that the golf pro states, "Well, first of all, your stance is way too wide."

How many perverts does it take to put in a lightbulb?

One.

But it takes the whole emergency room to remove it.