Paddy has a broken leg and his buddy Mick comes over to see him.
Mick says, "How you doin'?"
Paddy says, "Okay, but do me a favour mate, run upstairs and get me slippers, me feet are freezing."
Mick goes upstairs and sees Paddy's gorgeous 19-year old twin daughters lying on the bed.
He says, "Your dad's sent me up here to have sex with both of you."
They say, "Get away with ya... Prove it."
Mick shouts downstairs, "Paddy, both of 'em?"
Paddy shouts back, "Of course both of 'em, what's the point of fuckin' one?"
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A woman gives birth to her first child and is laying in bed waiting for some test results to come back.
Eventually after a lengthy wait the doctor arrives and says:
“Ma’am, I have good news and bad news, which would you like first?”
Startled, she exclaims to get the bad news out of the way first.
“Well ma’am, the bad news is that your child is a ginger.”
Relieved that this isn’t as bad as she feared, the woman asks for the good news to which the doctor replied:
“It’s dead.”
A dying husband in a hospital bed asks his wife, "Our seventh child always looked different from the other six. Did he have a different father?"
His wife, crying uncontrollably answers, "Yes."
He asks, "Whose is it?"
His wife replies, "Yours!"
Washing Machine
Husband and wife decide to make a password for sex, they decide on ‘washing machine’.
Later in bed that night husband says, “Washing machine.”
Wife replies, “Not tonight darling I have a headache.”
Half an hour passes and she feels guilty so she says, “Washing machine.”
Husband replies, “Too late it was only a small load so I decided to do it by hand.”
A farmer is lying in bed with his wife....
when he turns to her grabs her tits and says
"Honey if you could get milk out of these we could sell the cow".
Then he grabs her pussy and says "Honey if you could get eggs out of here we could sell the chickens".
She turns to him smiles,grabs his dick and says
"Honey if you could get this up I could get rid of your brother"
A husband and wife sit in their bed.
The husband tells his wife; I bet 20$ that you cant say something that will make me happy and sad at the same time.
The wife thinks for a second and says: you have the biggest dick out of all your friends.
So Putin is woken up at 02:30 in the morning.
"Vladimir Vladimirovich, the Ukrainians want to discuss the terms of surrender." says Putin's secretary.
Putin sits up on his bed and says: "Great, give me my phone, I'll call Zelinsky."
The secretary answers: "That won't be necessary, they are standing behind the door. Also, they gave us an hour."
A woman is reading a book in bed when her husband enters with a sheep under his arm
The husband holds the sheep up to the woman and exclaims: "This is the pig I'm cheating on you with."
The woman, confused by the notion, replies: "But... that's a sheep."
To which the husband shakes his head and says: "I wasn't talking to you."
Gandhi
Did you know that Gandhi used to have hot young women sleep naked in his bed with him? The idea was that he could conquer his baser desires and prove his self-control by abstaining from sex with them.
I tried a similar thing by leaving half a box of Double Stuff Oreos on my counter, and I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’m pretty sure Gandhi banged every single one of those chicks.
A man and a woman were in bed getting ready to sleep...
...sudendly the man farts and tries to think of an excuse.
-1:0 I am winning, - says the man.
Few moments later the woman lets out a big fart.
-1:1 draw, - says the woman with a smile on her face.
Man does not want to lose so he tries and tries to fart very hard. Sudendly he farts and craps all over his bed side.
-Half time break, change of sides, - says the man calmly.
If I make you breakfast in bed, a simple thank you is all I need...
Not all this, "How the fuck did you get in my house?!" nonsense.
My girlfriend said I'm terrible in bed
But it's unfair to make a conclusion in 17 seconds
Want to know how to get a fat girl in bed?
It’s a piece of cake
If you get seriously depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before you go to bed.
This will give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning.
You may be a 6 in looks and a 7 in bed, but when it comes to piss play, baby...
Urinate.
My wife dressed up as a police woman last night and giggled, "You're being charged with being good in bed..."
After two minutes she said she was dropping the charge due to lack of evidence.
How do you make a water bed more bouncy?
You use spring water.
The blind girl
I went to bed with a blind girl last night, and she said I had the biggest dick she'd ever laid her hands on...
I said, "You're pulling my leg.."
What does a spy do when they go to bed?
They go under cover
