For a good time go bowling
A woman was having sex with her husbands best friend when her phone rang and her husband's name appeared on the ID. As she answered the call, her lover jumped out of bed and began to dress in a hurry. "relax" she said after she hung up the phone. He was just calling to tell me that he'd be home late because he's out bowling with you.
A guy walks into a bar and takes a seat. Before he can order a beer, the bowl of pretzels in front of him says "Hey, you're a handsome fellow."
The man tries to ignore the bowl of pretzels, and orders a fine Pilsner beer.
The bowl of pretzels then says "Ooooh, a pilsner, great choice. You're a smart man."
Starting to freak out, the guy says to the bartender "Hey what the hell, this bowl of pretzels keeps saying nice things to me!"
Bartender says "Don't worry about it, the pretzels are complimentary."
Me: "Gee honey, it sure is muggy out today!"
Her: "If I walk outside and all of our mugs are on the front porch, I'm leaving you."
Me: *sips coffee from a bowl*
"Mommy, mommy! Can I lick the bowl?"
"No, flush it like everyone else"
Why did the Broncos wear white jerseys in Super Bowl 50?
Because it's hard to catch a white bronco in California.
What's the difference between Notre Dame and Lucky Charms cereal?
One of them belongs in a bowl.
What do skid marks on the toilet bowl and girlfriends have in common?
They're both easy to piss off
There was a boy playing in the farm field when his mom called him in for breakfast.
On his way in he kicked a cow, pig, and a chicken. So when he gets to the table he sees a dry bowl of cereal. "What's the deal?" he asks. His mom says " You kicked the cow so no milk for you, you kicked the pig so no bacon for you, and you kicked the chicken so no eggs for you." Then his father walks into the kitchen and accidentally kicked the cat. The the boy says "Do you want me to tell him or should you?"
The Atlanta falcons just came out and said they won the Super Bowl
until the illegal second half was played.