Fatherhood
A soldier asks his sergeant if he can have a couple of days off because he's going to become a father. 'Very well, you can have three days off' the sergeant says. After three days the soldier is back and the sergeant asks him what the name of the kid is. 'No idea' the soldier responds 'but I will tell you in nine months'.
Why do Scottish men wear kilts?
Because sheep can hear zippers.
What's the difference between a prostitute and a drug dealer?
The prostitute can sell the same crack over and over.
Where is my wife
A young man and an old man bumped shopping carts at the grocery store. Young man: I am sorry. I wasn't watching where I was going. I was looking for my wife. Old man : Sorry. I was also looking for my wife. Young man: Well maybe we can look together. My wife is 24. She is 5'2". She has short black hair. She is wearing a pink tube top and blue Jeans. What does your wife look like? Old man: It doesn't matter. Lets look for yours.
Two cowboys are riding out when the spot an Indian laying down with his ear to the ground.
Approaching him, one Cowboy says “Look here. These Indians can track wagons from miles away. You there, what can you tell about the closest wagon train?”
The Indian says “Large Conestoga wagon, father, mother, three daughters, headed due west at around ten miles per hour”.
“Wow!” Exclaimed the cowboys in unison. “You can tell all that by listening to the ground?”
“Nuh-uh. Ran over me half an hour ago”.
“Hey Descartes, I bet I can beat you in a footrace!”
“I think not!” Descartes replies.
And poof!
He instantly disappears.
In Tribute
Boy: I'll bet you a dollar my dog can talk
Man: you're on
Boy: how does sandpaper feel?
Dog: Ruff!
Boy: what's on top of a house?
Dog: Roof!
Boy: who's the greatest ballplayer ever?
Dog: Ruth!
Man: come on! I ain't payin' for that, get out of here!
* Boy and dog walk away *
Dog to boy: should I have said Hank Aaron?
Can we cool it with the Epstein jokes already people? I mean christ, the man had children.
Locked in his basement.
An English man, French ,Italian and German are standing at the side of a street watching a street performer.
The street performer noticed that they all have poor eye sight so he asked them whether they can see him and they responded: "Yes" "Oui" "Sì" "Ja"
What do you call a broken can opener?
A can't opener
A man went to confess to the priest
"Father, I've stolen someone's dog. But I don't want it now. Can I give it to you?"
"No, son, I don't want it. You should return the dog to the owner."
"I did. But he said he doesn't want it."
"Well...Then I think you should keep the dog."
That night, the priest went back home and found his precious dog stolen.
(Translated from Chinese)
Whats the difference between a drug dealer and a prostitute?
A prostitute can wash her crack and sell it again....
To Generiquai and everybody reading this, I would just like you to know I obviously didn't make this up. Just remembered it from a few years back and thought it was funny. Whoever made it up I give you all the credit. Thanks for checking it out!
Easy way to search your wife.
A man approached a very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and said, "I've lost my wife here in the supermarket." "Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?" The woman looked puzzled. "Why talk to me?" she asked. "Because every time I talk to a woman with tits like yours, my wife appears out of nowhere!"
You can never enjoy a game of Chess against an Australian.
Everytime he checks, you'll think he's won the game.
Five Important Qualities
1. It's important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman, who can make you laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman, who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.
4. It's important to have a woman, who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.
5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other.
I can swallow a rope and poop out a lasso
I shit you knot.
Boyfriend moving in...
Him: Can I set up a cloning machine in the basement?
Me: Sure, make yourself at home.
I need to have surgery, because of my cicumcision.
I was born without eyelids, so the doctor said to my mom "all we have to do is circumcise him, and we can make eyelids out of his foreskin." Long story short, I've been cock eyed ever since, I have great fore sight though.
I have a talent where I can see inside wrapped presents
It's a gift.
How many men does it take to open a can of beer?
None. It should be open by the time she brings it to the couch.