Walking home after a girls' night out, two women pass a graveyard and stop to pee. The first woman has nothing to wipe with, so she uses her underwear and tosses it.
Her friend, however, finds a ribbon on a wreath, so she uses that.
The next day, the first woman's husband phones the second woman's husband, furious: "My wife came home last night without her panties!"
"That's nothing," says the other. "Mine came back with a card stuck between her butt cheeks that said, 'From all of us at the fire station, we'll never forget you.'"
I was once cornered by Dwayne Johnson in front of a Hallmark store.
I was caught between a Rock and a card place.
A little boy calls his best friend on Christmas day...
“HEY! So what did you get for Christmas?” The second little boy pauses and says “well I got a gift card and a t-shirt...you?”
The first little boy excitedly replies ”Oh man, I got a new scooter, a new 3DS XL. A PS Vita. A new bike and were going to Disneyland on Friday. Can’t believe all you got was a gift card and t-shirt!” to which the second little boy replies “well...at least I don’t have cancer...”
penny scales
A woman stepped on one of those penny scales that tell you your fortune and weight and put in a coin.
"Listen to this," she said to her husband, showing him a small, white card. "It says I'm energetic, bright, resourceful and a great lover."
"Yeah," her husband nodded, "and it has your weight wrong, too."
As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said,
“You know, one would have been enough.”
I'm like a credit card.
I'm always being used or denied.
This is the first time I didn't get a Valentine's day card from my secret admirer in 20 years;
First my grandma died and now this;
What did Barack Obama write inside his Valentines card?
"I'm glad I've got you Michelle; I didn't want to be Obamaself"
I Got my girlfriend a “get better soon” card.
She’s not ill or anything but she could definitely get better.
Back in the U.S.S.R.
An old Jew is on his deathbed. With weak voice he asks to call for a partorg because before his death he wants to join the Communist Party. A happy partorg rushes to him with filled out membership form to sign and a ready Party membership card. As the Jew signs the form he carefully takes the membership card and presses it against his heart.
In a peaceful and happy voice he whispers: "Today one more communist will die"
My grandad just passed away...
We were really close and he was always competitive with me. No matter what game we played, tennis, cards, or even Xbox he would always try to win.
So it was only fitting that, and I’ll never forget this, on his death bed, as he breathed his last breath. He looked at me in the eyes and said...
"Staring contest... GO."
A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.
First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.
The optician showed him a card with the letters
' Z A S T R Z E Z Y N S K I '
'Can you read this?' the optician asked.
'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'
I ordered a second-hand deck of cards from a casino.
After four weeks they still hadn’t been delivered so I rang them up to see what was going on.
They told me they were still dealing with my order.
