Cheese

Helen Keller once described a cheese grater...

...as "the most violent book I've ever read."

A blonde walks into a library

and says to the librarian,"I'll have a cheese burger." the librarian replies softly says,"Sweety, this is a library." the blonde whispers,"Oh. Sorry, I'll have a cheese burger."

A husky, a pitbull, and a chihuahua are all fighting over a poodle.

Poodle says: "I'll only choose the mate who can use the words 'Liver' and 'Cheese' in one sentence..."

Husky: "Well that's easy, I love liver and I love cheese!"

Poodle: "That's not gonna work"

Pitbull: "I hate liver and I hate cheese!"

Poodle: "...No"

Chihuahua: "LIVER ALONE, CHEESE MINE!"

A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign that reads...

..."Cheese sandwich $3.50. Chicken sandwich $4.50. Handjob $5." He checks his wallet and calls over the waitress. He asks, "Are you the one who does the handjob?"

She smiles at him seductively and says, "I am."

He says, "Well, wash your fuckin' hands. I want a cheese sandwich."

If you were food, what would you be?

Friend 1: Pizza because I’m so cheesy. Friend 2: Chocolate chip cookie because I have lots of friends. Me: Donut because I’m so empty inside.

My friend told me he hated blue cheese because it's literally just cheese with bacteria.

I told him to stop discriminating against other cultures.

Did you hear about the cheese who works out?

It was shredded.

A cheese sandwich is better than complete happiness

Because nothing is better than complete happiness, and a cheese sandwich is better than nothing.

Why are abortion clinics like a trip to Chuck E Cheese?

It brings out the kid in you

Breaking News: Cheese factory explosion!

De Brie everywhere.

I spent £96 on eBay today to buy a cheese grater once owned by Hitler and Saddam Hussein.

It was the grater of two evils.

I was in the supermarket when I got a message on my phone telling me there were 24 singles in my area

Think I'm going to delete the Kraft Cheese app.

Massaging the wife

Italian : Last night I massaged my wife with the finest olive oil, then we made love and I made her scream non stop 5 minutes.

French : Last night I massaged my wife with special aphrodisiac oil, then we made passionate love. I made her scream 15 minutes.

American : Thats nothing! Last night I massaged my wife with cheese, then made love and made her scream for 2 hours.

Italian and French, astonished : 2 hours ! How !?

American : I wiped my hands on the curtains...