A beer bottle, a mirror and a condom go to the pub.
The beer bottle thinks for a moment and says, “You know, if you break me, you get a years bad luck.” The mirror looks incredulous at this comment and says, “That’s nothing, if you break me you get 7 years bad luck.” The condom starts to laugh so hard he falls on the floor.
Little Timmy was annoyed by his father
because whenever he was ahead in an argument, his father would just say - Whatever dude, I fucked your mum.
And he couldn't think of a good comeback, so he asked his Uncle Jim for help.
Uncle Jim said - Well, next time he say this to you, you say that I've been deeper in her than he ever could.
So the next time his father made the same comment Little Timmy very loudly said - Uncle Jim has been deeper in her than you ever could.
Two guys were out fishing on the lake when a hearse and funeral procession passed the boat on a nearby road. One of them stood up and held his fishing hat over his heart as the hearse passed. His buddy commented, "Gee, Harry, that was really nice and respectful!"
To which Harry replied, "Well, after all we were married 40 years."
Two scientists walk into a bar...
The first one says: "I'll have H2O, please!"
The second one says: "I'll have water too." And comments: "We aren't at work. You don't have to use those terms."
The first scientist angrily walks into the bathroom as his assassination attempt has failed
I know people take the age gap seriously but it's getting ridiculous
For example as a twenty-two year old I'll sometimes bring twenty-one year olds to the bar with me and it's nothing but mean and insensitive comments like they're too young to drink, and where'd you find 20 of them?
So, I went to the doctor...
She asked "What brings you here today?"
I replied "My car."
And then she looked down at the form, shook her head, checked a box, and commented under her breath: "Not sexually active."
If you're a programmer, you would know:
// the real joke is always in the comments
A teenage potato brings her boyfriend home to meet the parents. "So, what do you do for work?" asks the inquisitive father potato. “Oh, I work for a TV company as a sportscaster." The father potato is furious and tells the boyfriend to leave immediately.
“Why did you do that daddy?!” shrieks the distraught daughter, eyes wide.
The father shouts, “I’m not having *my* daughter hanging around with a commentator!"
A LADY lost her handbag..
It was found by an honest little boy and returned to her.
Looking in her purse, she commented, “Hmm, that’s funny. When I lost my bag there was a $20 note in it. Now there are 20 $1 coins.”
The boy replied, “That’s right, lady. The last time I found a lady’s purse, she didn’t have any change for a reward.”
A feminist told me about the "Dwayne Johnson Rule."
The rule, as she explained it, was that in order to determine if a particular comment was appropriate to say to a woman, first ask yourself, 'Would I be comfortable saying this to Dwayne Johnson?' If not, don't say it.
I thought this sounded like a good rule. So I told her:
"Your chest is fucking epic."