Cop jokes

A cop pulls over a car with two priests.

The cop makes his way up to the window and says, “We’re looking for two child molesters.”

The priests look at each other for a moment and turn back to the cop.

“We’ll do it.”

I called “Shotgun” long before anyone else did, but I had to still sit in the back seat.

I hate cops.

How can you tell good cops from bad cops?

Easy. Good cops carry a Goodge.

Two black guys are walking down the road when they are run over by a drunk-driving cop...

The first guy went through the windshield and the second guy was thrown 50 feet and landed in the ditch.

The first black guy was charged with breaking and entering, and the second guy was charged with leaving the scene of an accident.

Officer 1: This murder seems racially motivated.

Officer 2: Hate crime?

Officer 1: Of course I hate crime, idiot. That’s why I became a cop.

My wife put on a sexy cop outfit and arrested me on suspicion of being good in bed.

After a short trial, I was found not guilty.

Cop: are you high?

Me: am I what? Cop: high Me: hello

Cop on horse says to little girl on bike, "Did Santa get you that?"

"Yes," replies the little girl.

"Well tell him to put a reflector light on it next year!" and fines her $5.

The little girl looks up at the cop and says, "Nice horse you've got there, did Santa bring you that?"

The cop chuckles and replies, "He sure did!"

"Well," says the little girl, "Next year tell Santa that the d*ck goes under the horse, not on top of it!"

So the cops caught me doing doughnuts in my car today.

I know what you're thinking. Who the hell names their dog doughnuts

Me: It's not about how many times you fall, its how many times you get up and try again.

Cop: That's not how this sobriety test works.

a man gets pulled over by a cop, and is asked for his license

officer: it says on your license that you need to be wearing glasses. driver: i have contacts. officer: i don't give a fuck who you know, buddy.

A man’s walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows. “Twenty bucks,” she says. He’s never been with a prostitute before, but he decides what the hell.

They are going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them—it’s a policeman.

“What’s going on here, people?” asks the officer.

“I’m making love to my wife,” the man answers indignantly.

“Oh, I’m sorry,” says the cop, “I didn’t know.”

“Well,” said the man, “to tell the truth neither did I until you flashed that light on her face.”

A man was filling up gas in his car when he got some on his jacket

Then he went in the car and lit a cigarette and catches his sleeve on fire. The man, freaking out, gets out of the car and sees a policeman sitting nearby. So he starts waving at him and yelling at him for help, and the cop gets up in a hurry and without a second delay shoots him. The man, now on the ground in excruciating pain asks why he shot him the cop says “what was I supposed to do? you were waving a firearm!”

I got pulled over in the carpool lane.

Cop: Where's your passenger?

Me: Due to social distancing they're in the car behind me.

So a cop knocked on my door this morning.

He asked, 'sir we believe your dog has been chasing a boy up the road on his bike.'

I replied, 'sorry officer, you must have the wrong house. My dog doesn't own a bike.'