Day jokes

My friend keeps telling me to cheer up these days.

He says life could be a lot worse, that I could be trapped inside an underground hole filled with water.

I know he means well.

My grandfather started walking 5 miles a day when he was 60

Now he's 97 and we have no idea where the hell he is

Smoking two cigarettes at once

A girl saw a guy smoking two cigarettes at once, she asked him why ? he replied that he smokes one for himself and one for his buddy in prison. Another day, the same girl saw that guy again smoking only one cigarette this time, she said : "Congrats! i'm verry happy for you and your friend ! he must have missed you", he replied that he still is in prison, she asked : "so why are you smoking only one cigarette ?", he replied : "i stopped smoking".

Her: I hope we die on the same day

Him: Why do you hate me, grandma?

I wish I could be ugly for just 1 day

Because being ugly every day sucks... :(

I got fired from the Calendar Factory yesterday

They say it's because I took a day off

Fortune Teller

I saw a fortune teller the other day. She told me I would come into some money.

Last night I fucked a girl named Penny - is that spooky or what?

This is the first time I didn't get a Valentine's day card from my secret admirer in 20 years;

First my grandma died and now this;

A farmer buys a young cock

As soon as he gets it home, it fucks all the farmer's 150 hens. The farmer is impressed. At lunch the cock again screws all 150 hens. The next day, it's fucking the ducks and the geese too.

Sadly, later in the day he finds the cock lying on the ground half dead and vultures circling overhead. The farmer says, "you deserved it, you horny bastard!" The cock opens one eye, points up and says, "sshhhh. They're about to land!!"

One day Jesus was delivering a sermon to his flock. "The path to the Lord lies at y=x2−4x+2". A passer-by leans over to Peter and whispers "what's he banging on about?"

Peter replies "don't worry, it's just one of his parabolas"

I asked my girlfriend if she'd like a day of eating ice cream and hanging with her girl friends.

She said "Yes!". I said "Good, because I'm breaking up with you."

Fuck you, Chelsey.

A vendor selling ice from a street cart has a sign that says “Ise Stand.” “Mr. vendor, you seem to have accidentally confused the ‘c’ in ‘ice’ for an ‘s.’” The vendor replies, “I’m certain you are mistaken!” The next day, the vendor’s freshly repainted sign reads:

“Ice Stand, Corrected”

I remember when my dad once gave me money to pay the electricity bill.

Instead, I bought a lottery ticket for a brand new car. When I got home, I explained to my dad what I did and he beat the crap out of me.

But the next day, when my dad woke up and opened the house door, parked outside my house was a brand new car. We all cried; especially me, because the car was from the electricity company and they were there to cut off the electricity, so my dad beat the crap out of me again.

I once dated a twin

Years ago I dated a twin.

My friend asked me 'how do you tell them apart?'

I explained 'Well, Rebecca has agreed to wear green nail polish every 2nd day...and Stephen has a dick'

On January 1st I joked to my girlfriend we haven’t had sex all year.

It’s getting less funnier each day I tell her.

Not quite what she was expecting...

Guy: I work with animals every day!

Girl: That's so sweet! Are you a vet or a pet shop own-

Guy: I'm a butcher.

A bus filled with politicians is speeding down a country road when it swerves into a field and hits a tree.

The farmer who owns the field and tree comes out to investigate. Then he digs a hole and buries the politicians. A few days later the sheriff drives by and sees the bus. He goes and gets the farmer and asks him where the politicians are. He says he buried them. The sheriff asks if they were all dead. The farmer says, "Some of them were but some of them were trying to tell me they weren't. But you know how politicians lie!"

Doesn't matter if you are tall or short, fat or thin, black or white, at the end of the day...

It will be night time.

A professor asks a graduate student what he's working on these days.

"I'm writing a thesis on the survival of the class system in America," the student said.

"Oh, that's interesting. I didn't know there was a class system in America."

"No one does. That's how it survives."

I once went on a business trip to china, while there I ordered myself a prostitute. Half way though she was screaming in delight “meee how” meeee hooow” and I thought to myself “she’s loving this”

Just the next day out golfing with a few clients when I hit a ball from the edge of the green to roll on the hole perfectly, of course I couldn’t speak mandarin so I screamed the only happy words I knew “Mee how” “meeeeehow”, whilst celebration one of my colleges comes over and says “no you’ve got the right hole”