Bus jokes

Today was a terrible day. My ex got hit by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver.

Afraid to die alone?

Become a bus driver.

I was riding the bus when I got tapped on the shoulder...

An old lady says to me, “Would you like a nut?”

I chuckled and said, “Sure, thanks.”

A couple of minutes after eating the nut, another tap on the shoulder. “Would you like another nut?”

Well, after eating a couple more nuts from the old gal I finally turned around and asked her, “Why do you have nuts if you keep giving them to me?”

She replied, “I only like the chocolate around them.”

What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants?

One's a crusty bus station and one's a busty crustacean.

No one is allowed to congregate for funerals; instead, people drive by the cemetery and honk their horns in respect. One man drives by blasting “Another One Bites The Dust”

The family wanted to be mad, but then another car drove by playing the same song, and another one does, and another one does, and another one drives a bus.

Two Italians enter the bus in New York and start very noisy conversation:

" .... 'em come first, then I come, two asses together, I come again, two asses together, then I pee, pee again and I come in the end... "

An old lady nereby can't stand it any longer and says:

" You pigs, what a shame to discuss your disgusting sexual life on public!!!! "

Italian: " Hey, wassup lady??? I just tella my friend, how to spella Mississippi....."

"I'm sorry sir, it looks like your wife has been hit by a bus"

"Yea, I know, but she takes it up the ass and is good with kids"

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The driver says, “Ugh! That’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen.”

The woman stalks off to the rear of the bus and sits down. She turns to the man sitting next to her and says, “the driver just insulted me!”

The man says, “You go and give him a telling off. I’ll hold your monkey for you.”

The other day, an ex girlfriend of mine was hit by a bus near my house

And I thought to myself "that could've been me"

Then I remembered - I can't drive a bus

How did a bit travel from the CPU to the HDD?

It took the bus.

I gave my seat up to a blind person on a bus

And that is how I lost my job as a bus driver.

Which one is the odd one out; a Crab, a Tuna, a Chinese man run over by a bus or a Lobster?

A tuna, because the rest of them are crustaceans.

What's yellow and can't swim? A bus full of children.

I told my wife I saw someone fall under the bus today. She said, “Oh my God, was it moving?”

I said, “A few people were crying, but I was fine.”

A bus filled with politicians is speeding down a country road when it swerves into a field and hits a tree.

The farmer who owns the field and tree comes out to investigate. Then he digs a hole and buries the politicians. A few days later the sheriff drives by and sees the bus. He goes and gets the farmer and asks him where the politicians are. He says he buried them. The sheriff asks if they were all dead. The farmer says, "Some of them were but some of them were trying to tell me they weren't. But you know how politicians lie!"

Saw my dwarf neighbour at the bus stop this morning... So I stopped and said jump in i will give you a lift... "FUCK OFF" he screamed at me....

What an ungrateful bastard, I thought as i zipped up my backpack and continued walking.

I was at the bar last night and had a few drinks. I knew it was unsafe to take my car home so I took a bus. This was really difficult for me; I've never driven a bus before.

I told my doctor that I got a nasty reaction from applying the haemorrhoid cream he prescribed.

He asked where I had applied it.

I was on the bus.

An elderly man is having trouble keeping his balance on the bus

His cane is slipping on the floor. On every turn of the bus, he loses his balance and barely escapes danger of falling. So he starts looking around if someone will give him their seat.

A sitting rebellious type youngster patronizes him: "Hey old man, if you put some rubber on the tip of your cane, you wouldn't have this much trouble."

The old man replies: "Boy, I would be sitting down on this bus if only your father put on that rubber"

My Tinder bio says I have a corner office with views of the entire city, drive a $500,000 vehicle, and I’m paid to travel

My dates are always upset when I tell them I’m a bus driver