Einstein, Newton and Pascal play hide and seek...
One day, Einstein, Newton, and Pascal meet up and decide to play a game of hide and seek. Einstein volunteered to be “It.” As Einstein counted, eyes closed, to 100, Pascal ran away and hid, but Newton stood right in front of Einstein and drew a one meter by one meter square on the floor around himself. When Einstein opened his eyes, he immediately saw Newton and said “I found you Newton,” but Newton replied, “No, you found one Newton per square meter. You found Pascal!”.
My mom always told me I wouldn't accomplish anything by laying in bed all day
But look at me now, I'm saving the world.
I wonder if old houseflies tell the younger ones stories like:
"Back in my day, it was Monday".
A wife decided to leave for a vacation, leaving her husband in supervision of her mother and her cat.
After a few days, she called her husband and asked, “How is everything going?”
“The cat is dead,” he replied coldly.
She cried out and said, “You could have said the cat is playing on the roof on the first day, and the next day, it broke its leg, then the next that the poor thing’s dead!
No reply. The wife sighed sadly, “Anyways, how’s my mom?”
“She’s playing on the roof.”
A woman went to the doctor and told him " I keep farting a lot but, my farts don't smell at all, see I farted 7 times since I came here and you didn't even notice"
The doctor gave her some drugs and told her to come back to me after 10 days.
10 days later the woman came back and it was clear that she's frustrated, she told him that the drug he gave her only made the matter worse and that now her farts smell really bad.
The doctor calmly said : "great, now that we fixed your nose it's time to tackle that farting thing".
Why is Jesus easy to insult?
It takes him 3 days to comeback.
It’s the first day for a fraternity, and the dean is explaining the rules to the new pledges. He sternly advises them, “And I must warn you of the curfew for this semester. If I catch any of you in the women’s dorms past eight o'clock at night, it’s fifty dollars for the first time, a hundred dollars for the second time, and five hundred dollars for the third time.”
One pledge raises his hand and asks, “How much for a season pass?”
I'm a 21-year-old multimillionaire. Here's how I did it.
1. I get up at 5:00 AM every day
2. I run for an hour before breakfast
3. Afterward, I take a cold shower to wake me up.
4. Journaling is key. You never know when you might need to remember something.
5. Always write down an appointment as soon as you get it.
6. My dad owns a Fortune 500 company.
7. I meditate every day
My girlfriend really wants me to quit my job. She says that it is cruel that we do product testing on animals.
We’ve argued back and forth for months, and it is a very tough decision for me since I don’t have a formal education. Every day I come home from work, she becomes more and more distant. I also just got a 20% raise, and will finally be able to give my future family the life they deserve. Last night she gave me an ultimatum, her or my job.
What should I do? I love my girlfriend, but I also love my job at the hammer factory.
On my first day in prison, my cellmate said to me...
“If you ever come close to me, I'll fucking skin you alive. When we're sleeping, you don't fucking touch me. You hear me? Don't ever talk to me, either."
"Fucking great." I thought, "First day in here and I'm already married."
Every day as i walk to the bus stop I speak with a 93 year old man with alzheimers who sits on his rocking chair looking over his yard with a concerned expression.
He musters his strength and calls out to me "hey.. have y-you seen m-my wife?" And every day i have to tell him "I'm so sorry.. your wife has passed away 10 years ago". Ive considered not telling him but my mornings always feel better after I see the look of sheer joy on his face.
Christmas these days is a lot like having sex, the build up is great but when it finally comes, I always regret spending all that money.
Give a man some clothes and he’ll be clothed for a day.
Teach a man to weave and he’ll be naked for a very long time.
