Blowjobs do not relieve headaches
The other day, I had an astoundingly painful headache and I couldn't help but complain about it to my girlfriend. She surprised me by saying, "Ya know, blowjobs can be a natural cure for a headache..." So, I thought it was worth a shot. But that day I learned my girlfriend is damned a liar. I sucked three dicks and my head still fucking hurt.
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around,she started crying and getting very cranky,so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered around,she sobbed "Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?"
Teach a Nigerian to fish...
He'll eat for a day. Teach a Nigerian to phish and he'll become a prince and start emailing people.
3 guys bet on who can make their wife scream more from sex
They make the bet and decide to all go home and have sex with their wives and compare results the next day.
Next day comes along and they meet to discuss. Guy #1 says “I fucked my wife so hard, she was screaming for like 20 minutes.”
Guy #2 says “that’s nothing. I fucked my wife with a dildo in her ass at the same time and she was screaming for an hour!”
Guy #3 says “amateurs! I fucked my wife for 15 seconds, came on the curtains, and she’s still screaming at me!”
Chemists in a pub
After a long day, two chemists, Bill and Bob, go to a pub to unwind. Bob says to the barkeeper, "I'll just have a glass of H^2 0." Bill chimes in, "I'll have a glass of water too". They take a seat as he asks Bob, "Why did you refer to water with its chemical composition?" Bob did not answer, fuming that his assassination attempt had failed.
I asked Alexa "What do women want?"
The fucking thing hasn't shut up for three days
Being a North Korean is tough and all but hey
At the end of the day, I can't complain.
Paddy got a job as a lumberjack
but try as he might, he couldn't meet his quota of fifty trees a day. By chance he saw an ad in a shop window for chainsaws 'guaranteed to fell 60 trees a day'. So he bought one, but the best he could manage was forty trees a day. So he took it back to the shop and complained that there must be something wrong with it. "Let me look at it", said the man in the shop. So he took the chainsaw and switched it on. "What's that noise?" said Paddy?
Father’s Day Presents..
5 year old son.....after reading story of a king.....
Son:......Mom, I also want 3 wives.....one will cook, one will sing, one will bathe me.......
Mom:....And which one will put you to sleep
Son:..No mom, i will still sleep with you....Mom's eyes filled up with tears ... God bless you son
Mom:...but who will sleep with your 3 wives
Son:....Let them sleep with daddy...
Daddy's eyes filled up with tears... God bless you son !
*Happy Father’s Day!*
I am a 100 days sober!
... Not in a row or anything, just total.
A prisoner has been digging up a tunnel under his cell for years
One day he while he was digging he saw the light, he reached the end of tunnel and ended up in a kindergarten playground
"I'm free, I'm free!" shouted the escaped prisoner
"so what? I'm four" said one of the toddlers
A woman calls 911 and paramedics rush her unconscious husband to the hospital She limps into the ER as the nurses wheel him in on a stretcher,
his enormous erection clearly visible under the sheet. The doctor runs some tests and says to her "Ma'am, it appears your husband overdosed on Viagra and is in a coma. How long has he been like this?"
"About 4 days" she replies
"4 days?! Why did you wait until now to get help?"
"I ran out of lube this morning"
I hate how politically correct the world is these days, you can't even say black paint
You have to say
Leroy, please paint that wall
Today's a really good day...
10/10
It's been raining for 3 days without stopping. My wife is in depression, she is standing and looking through the window.
If the rain doesn't stop tomorrow, I'll have to let her in.
When I was a little kid, I had this friend that was always counting.
I wonder what he's up to these days.
This morning, my wife was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast. As I walked in, she turned to me and said, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!" My eyes lit up and I thought, "This is my lucky day!"
Not wanting to lose the moment, I didn't waste any time at all, I gave her a banging right on the kitchen table!
Afterwards she said, "Thanks." and returned to the stove.
More than a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"
She giggled, "The egg timer's broken."
A man goes to the doctor and says, “Doctor, my sex life is not very good, I can’t perform very well in bed.”
The doctor says, “You don’t look very fit, are you getting any exercise?” The man replied that he wasn’t exercising at all, so the doctor said, “I want you to walk 5 miles a day, then call me in a week and tell me if things have improved.” The man calls the doctor a week later and the doctor says, “Are you performing any better in bed now?” The man says, “I don’t know, I’m 35 miles away.”
I read an article about the dangers of heavy drinking the other day, and it really scared me! So that's it...
Starting today, no more reading.
Putin dies and goes to hell
After a while, he is given a day off for good behavior.
So he decides to visit Moscow, enters a bar, orders a drink, and asks the bartender:
-Is Crimea ours?
-Yes, it is.
-And the Donbas?
-Also ours.
-And Kyiv?
-We got that too.
Satisfied, Putin finishes his drink, and asks:
-Thanks, how much do I owe you?
-5 euros