Doctor jokes

Doctor says alcoholism is a disease...

Bartender says get your shots here

Sex could be fatal...

An 85 year old man, who has been a single widower for 30 years, gets engaged to a 27 year old girl.

He goes to his doctor for a Viagra prescription in preparation for his wedding night.

The doctor tells him, " I need to warn you that given the length of time that you have been abstinent and the potency of this drug, sex could prove to be fatal."

The old man says "Doc, if she dies, she dies."

The reason for the wage gap is that men have high paying jobs like doctor, lawyer, etc. while women usually have lower paying jobs...

...like female doctor, female lawyer, etc.

An old woman wants to commit suicide...

...by shooting herself in the heart, but she doesn't really know where the heart is.

She goes to the local doctor and asks;

"Doctor, can you please tell me where the heart is?"

"Oh, it's just below your left breast."

So the old woman walked home and shot herself in the knee.

Why did Steve Jobs die?

Because Apple kept the doctors away.

Doctor, how can I live 100 years?

Man: Doctor, how can I live to be 100 years old?

Doctor: Well, do you smoke cigarettes or do any type of drugs?

Man: Nope

Doctor: Do you eat a lot of junk food?

Man: Nope

Doctor: Do you sleep around without using protection?

Man: Nope

Doctor: Then why the hell do you want to live to be 100 years old?

My family loves to have dance parties. My dad will just play music from his iPod, and I'll go to the light switch and make a nice strobe light effect. Everyone loves it, especially my younger cousin. He gets down on the floor and starts breakdancing! It makes him so happy, and he needs that extra joy in his life, especially since the doctor recently diagnosed him with epilepsy.

I told the doctor I didn’t want brain surgery. But he changed my mind.

My ex got into a bad accident recently. I told the doctors the wrong blood type. Now she will really know what rejection feels like.

A woman goes into labor with her child. The doctor says they've invented a new device to transfer the pain of childbirth to the father. He asks if it's okay to use the new device. The couple agrees, so he turns the pain to the father to 10%. The man feels nothing. They then bump it up to 20%. He still feels nothing. They keep doing this until the machine is at 100%. The man still feels nothing, so they go home happy until they find the milkman dead on the porch.

" doctor I can't stop singing What's New Pussycat."

" I think you might have Tom Jones syndrome." " is it rare?" " it's not unusual."

A man goes to the doctor with a terrible rash on his nuts

The doctor says, "well you'll have to stop masturbating". Man says "why?"

Doctor says, "because it's making it really hard to examine you"

The doctor told me the only chance my wife in a coma had of coming to was by performing oral sex. I tried for 15 minutes...

But she just choked the whole time.

What do you call an owl with a PhD?

Doctor who

My son called me today, telling me he was in the hospital....

I told him to stop letting me know. He’s been a doctor for 12 years.

one man six horses.

a man was hospitalized with six plastic horses inside him. The doctor described his condition as stable.

Blind man goes for surgery

A man blind from birth hears about new surgery that can give him sight. He goes to the doctor who tells him he can do the surgery. He asks if being able to see will have any negative impacts on his life.

"Well," the doctor says. "You won't be able to maintain an erection."

"Is that a common side effect from the surgery," the blind man asks.

"No," says the doctor. "It's just that your wife is ugly."

I said to my doctor I might have ADHD.

M: I said to my doctor, "I think I might have ADHD, because I can't remember where I parked my Ford!"

Doctor: "That's not how ADHD works"

M: "But I keep losing my Focus!"

During my prostate exam the doctor put his hands on my shoulders and said "Dave, it's normal to get a hard-on while doing this."

"My name is not Dave," I replied.

"Yes, I know," said the doctor, "I am Dave."

So, I went to the doctor...

She asked "What brings you here today?"

I replied "My car."

And then she looked down at the form, shook her head, checked a box, and commented under her breath: "Not sexually active."